Is it fair?

Is it fair for a person to wake up in the late morning and be disappointed?
 
I sit here late at night, as long as I can before my eyes finally become too heavy, trying to stay awake. I don't want to sleep. theres no good in it. so far, I've been having bad dreams about my recent actions, even if it's only been three nights.
 
Time can't pass fast enough for me. I sit in this house all day, doing nothing, just sitting here or infront of the TV, waiting for something to happen, or something to come and end it.
I wait to sleep, and yet, when it finally arrives, I don't want it. Whats the point in sleeping if I'm just going to wake up again? Why should I sleep if when I wake up I'm simply going to have to endure another long, painfully dull day? whats the point in sleeping, or waking up, or anything?
 
right now, my life is completely pointless. I'm waiting for the hammer to fall, and it's not going to fall for months. even the big bash isn't looking inviting anymore. I want school to come, simple because it will give me something to do in the day. even if that means facing certain people and things. Sure, i have work, and i can go to dads....
 
when I go to dads, I'm reminded of what I wasn't allowed to have. God, my dad! that big, beautiful house! the place i was born, where i lived my first two years of life. it really is where i belong. a garden of vegetables to eat, bushes of goose berries, currents, raspberries... Bees with honey. thats where I should be! When I go out there to see my dad, i feel so happy. Last night i was at my dads, and we were outside, in the rain and mosquitos, "foraging" gooseberries and eating currents. we hadn't done that for years, and I wish i could do it again. I miss it, I love it. and whenever I go out there, I'm reminded that at some point, this is going to end. the end result is more sorrow.
 
I'm feeling pretty sad right now, in case you haven't noticed. I would give up what I have now to live at my dads. I would be doing things, and be useful, instead of just sitting in this house like an unwanted and pointless guest! I have no use here! I feel completely useless!
 
I want my family. ever since my brother moved out, everything here feels so hollow, empty. I don't have a brother anymore, and those few times I see him, my heart jumps. and then he leaves almost as soon as he arrives, and it hurts so much. I haven't gone to a family 'reunion' for so long.... there hasn't been one before, in fact. my parents are divorced, it's impossible to have any big family thing together.
Look, I'm a poor child who's parents are divorced! isn't it a classic tale, the child who has no real family!
theres no such thing as a real family anymore, is there? even so, i wish i had mine back. just now, i wish i could be with them. I saw my dad last night, I live with my mom, and I saw my brother for a few minutes tonight at work, new hair cut. He and Halesha were doing stuff...and I couldn't be there. I feel out of the loop, alone, useless, pointless.
 
fuck, my life sucks. i'm a pathetic human being. I dont do anything. I have no drive to paint or draw or anything. Guitar is the same deal. writing? I write here, or in my 'journal' by my bed. story wise i can't really do anything because im in the middle of backing up my computer, preparing for a big wipe-out for the switch-over. I'm a stalled car on the side of the highway. I'm pointless.
 
I hate being alone like this. I dont know how much longer I can stand it. Why the hell can't I be happy like everyone else around me? Why do i feel so fucking Alienated from everything I touch, everyone i talk to? Why am I set apart from it all, when I'm in the middle of it?