long times
I've landed myself in a situation.
not much of one though, I'm slightly insane about it as usual.
I'm going to school in september, assuming OSAP pulls through.
Angus has moved back into the area from toronto, after about 8 months without seeing him.
and it's interesting hanging out with him (i've gotten drunk with him three times in the past week, and slept over everytime, sleeping on his other mattress, or in his mothers bed with him like that night. heh, awkward?). Things have changed with me since I saw him last. The way things happened in september last year (2006), I changed my outlook on my feelings for him. I've learned how to handle them. how to disregard them.
but hanging out with him, and being able to open up to him like I open up to, say, Calista, or even my pillow, disregarding the thoughts that come into mind are getting harder.
Last night, while drunk with him outside, we were laughing about yelling WEED at people, and he leaned into me, actually against me.
and I can't help but feel like any girl would with him, "good god, a body like that against me, save me" and I worry.
stupid me.
I didn't know how to react, so I pushed him away in my own drunken laughter. fuck. I didn't want to do that.
but it's in my head.
anyway, in terms of how things are going there... they are great. he's my friend, and it's wonderful because it actually feels like that, and the fact that he invites me to see him is new, and it's a funny change really.
but i have just remembered today, that come september, it will end again. he's going to Alberta in all likeliness, like everyone else. so it doesn't matter how well our friendship grows this summer, it will end again. and I'm already feeling the heartbreak from that.
I'm so tired of being alone. it's nice to be out with someone, let alone angus, and feel like I'm safe with them... and that it's on a timeline.
plus, now that hes back in the area, he's meeting up with other people now, like chris malone, so soon he'll forget about me again.
more things to brace myself for.
my poor heart. my brain is getting back on track, but the rest of me is beginning to tire. need some love-fuel. heh.
well theres an update blog. i don't type these things out much anymore, don't talk them out much either. no ones around to hear it, read it... so I let it dry up in my head.
funny how many doors open when you've given up pulling on them.
not much of one though, I'm slightly insane about it as usual.
I'm going to school in september, assuming OSAP pulls through.
Angus has moved back into the area from toronto, after about 8 months without seeing him.
and it's interesting hanging out with him (i've gotten drunk with him three times in the past week, and slept over everytime, sleeping on his other mattress, or in his mothers bed with him like that night. heh, awkward?). Things have changed with me since I saw him last. The way things happened in september last year (2006), I changed my outlook on my feelings for him. I've learned how to handle them. how to disregard them.
but hanging out with him, and being able to open up to him like I open up to, say, Calista, or even my pillow, disregarding the thoughts that come into mind are getting harder.
Last night, while drunk with him outside, we were laughing about yelling WEED at people, and he leaned into me, actually against me.
and I can't help but feel like any girl would with him, "good god, a body like that against me, save me" and I worry.
stupid me.
I didn't know how to react, so I pushed him away in my own drunken laughter. fuck. I didn't want to do that.
but it's in my head.
anyway, in terms of how things are going there... they are great. he's my friend, and it's wonderful because it actually feels like that, and the fact that he invites me to see him is new, and it's a funny change really.
but i have just remembered today, that come september, it will end again. he's going to Alberta in all likeliness, like everyone else. so it doesn't matter how well our friendship grows this summer, it will end again. and I'm already feeling the heartbreak from that.
I'm so tired of being alone. it's nice to be out with someone, let alone angus, and feel like I'm safe with them... and that it's on a timeline.
plus, now that hes back in the area, he's meeting up with other people now, like chris malone, so soon he'll forget about me again.
more things to brace myself for.
my poor heart. my brain is getting back on track, but the rest of me is beginning to tire. need some love-fuel. heh.
well theres an update blog. i don't type these things out much anymore, don't talk them out much either. no ones around to hear it, read it... so I let it dry up in my head.
funny how many doors open when you've given up pulling on them.
prematurely released by Norah at 11:16 PM
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