So I've been told
People tell me the same thing about it, the same thing, and I really do value their advice, and I see the truth in it. But it's so much easier said than done. I'm not a strong person in that area at all, it's a completely different planet to me, and I dont have the knowledge to build a ship to get there with. I can't make a catalyst for it all, I just can't.
so, of course, right now all I feel like is shit. Summer time. What do I want to do? get away from it. be distracted. I want to forget all those horrible moments of the last year. I want to forget my stupid, neurotic dreams and just get away from everything. I need to just go, drive, ride, run, walk, bike away from this home, place, and live somewhere else, turn into a different person, someone new. I can feel it coming, I can feel this thing pushing on me, forcing itself on me, making me turn around on everything I've believed and really question what I'm doing, if its right for me, if I was truly blind to it all.
but i can't do that here. I have to go away from all these different influences, away from these currents, pulling at me, mixing everything up more, adding their own opinions to it and distorting my own thoughts to the point of insanity. I can't understand things here, I can't figure out myself when I'm sitting in this house, this house i've lived in for 8 friggen years, in this stupid town where I've spent my entire life. i need to get away, on my own, to see things clearly, fuck the tinted glass.
and on top of it, i even want to get away from my friends. god, believe me, I love them more than anything, and i think for the first time I can live past this year...except for him. but, even with my love for these amazing people, i want to escape the memory of them. i want to go to a place where I won't run into them, where i can't feel that sharp bite of nostealgia, the pain of knowing i can't have these times back. I want to get away from those chances, so I know. so i KNOW for certain that it will not happen, and I really can move on. But if i'm here, with that doubt, i can't go. I can't get away from it, and I never will.
i need to get out. I need to be away from this place, either alone without these strings, or with someone, someone who won't leave. and that won't happen.
neither will. because I'm just a sixteen year old kid without her G2, so she can't drive away. I have a job, i need the money, and I have no idea of where I can go. no conception of how i could get away, how I can escape this horrible feeling, this evil thing.
it seems i wake up with it every morning now, this evil thing, a mote of my life. i can't get rid of it, it's always there, following me in my shadows.
He's not worth my time, I've been told. I know he's not. But what can I do? I can't move on, its just too amazing, too real to be real, to unexplainable to be put into simple terms. what can i do, really? How can I escape something i don't recognize, something that will only turn up again. because it's bound to, isn't it? if it has no identified body, how can I know what I'm escaping from? what if i run away from the wrong thing? the wrong person? how do I know?
how do I know anything?
so, of course, right now all I feel like is shit. Summer time. What do I want to do? get away from it. be distracted. I want to forget all those horrible moments of the last year. I want to forget my stupid, neurotic dreams and just get away from everything. I need to just go, drive, ride, run, walk, bike away from this home, place, and live somewhere else, turn into a different person, someone new. I can feel it coming, I can feel this thing pushing on me, forcing itself on me, making me turn around on everything I've believed and really question what I'm doing, if its right for me, if I was truly blind to it all.
but i can't do that here. I have to go away from all these different influences, away from these currents, pulling at me, mixing everything up more, adding their own opinions to it and distorting my own thoughts to the point of insanity. I can't understand things here, I can't figure out myself when I'm sitting in this house, this house i've lived in for 8 friggen years, in this stupid town where I've spent my entire life. i need to get away, on my own, to see things clearly, fuck the tinted glass.
and on top of it, i even want to get away from my friends. god, believe me, I love them more than anything, and i think for the first time I can live past this year...except for him. but, even with my love for these amazing people, i want to escape the memory of them. i want to go to a place where I won't run into them, where i can't feel that sharp bite of nostealgia, the pain of knowing i can't have these times back. I want to get away from those chances, so I know. so i KNOW for certain that it will not happen, and I really can move on. But if i'm here, with that doubt, i can't go. I can't get away from it, and I never will.
i need to get out. I need to be away from this place, either alone without these strings, or with someone, someone who won't leave. and that won't happen.
neither will. because I'm just a sixteen year old kid without her G2, so she can't drive away. I have a job, i need the money, and I have no idea of where I can go. no conception of how i could get away, how I can escape this horrible feeling, this evil thing.
it seems i wake up with it every morning now, this evil thing, a mote of my life. i can't get rid of it, it's always there, following me in my shadows.
He's not worth my time, I've been told. I know he's not. But what can I do? I can't move on, its just too amazing, too real to be real, to unexplainable to be put into simple terms. what can i do, really? How can I escape something i don't recognize, something that will only turn up again. because it's bound to, isn't it? if it has no identified body, how can I know what I'm escaping from? what if i run away from the wrong thing? the wrong person? how do I know?
how do I know anything?
prematurely released by Norah at 3:34 PM
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