"How long before..."

This is the only problem.

everyone else.

thats horrible.

i know.

but this is the deal:
I know what I'm in. Don't think I'm naive in this, because I know what I'm doing. I know how "Wrong" it is, and how EVERYONE else thinks its just wierd, even for me.

the first "date" was only wierd because of how fast it seemed to go, how fast those events took place. But when you go two years without a kiss, and suddenly this still pretty strange guy kisses you, you are in shock. so your thoughts are fucked up.
so i gave it time.
and time has proven wise, for me.
I like him.
I mean,
I really like him.
He's so sweet to me, and that sounds childish to say, but he is. I have never felt so safe with another guy, besides my guy friends... but that took a while. It's peculiar how a (thus far) week long "relationship" has gained this much trust already. I've learned a lot about him, he's learned about me, and we've been having good times together. We're both still nervous when we see one another (I got butterflies waiting for him today), and we both know what we're in.
he admitted it to me how scared this made him at first. when he thought about it, he was freak out, just like me.
but I'm more than willing to do this.
I really like him. Something about him, despite my not knowing him for very long, seems to click with me. something seems to make me feel safe with him, despite all logic saying I shouldn't.
since when did logic help me, though? sure, in fights against gord it does, but not with this. there's no LOGIC when it comes to this sort of thing, being the attraction between two people. why does it have to Make Sense? there is no sense in that stuff! there isn't any!
the first night i met him, being months ago at the store (when i first typed about him, likely), when he shook my hand, I knew he wanted to ask me out. i knew he wanted to see me again. I knew he liked me, just to put it simple.
and what do you know...
i know people (a few, at least) in the fairly recent past, have liked me. I never got excited about it. But i did get excited over Joel. don't know why.
i cannot explain what I feel about him.

I had decided that this WAS wierd, but I didn't want to make a rash decision. so i slept on it. er, i slept while it was there, at least.
everytime i'm with him, i forget his age. I forget that he's gotten pretty far ahead of me in life.
and don't get the wrong idea about my feelings when I say this, because it's just for arguments sake, but you do you remember the Soul Mate thing? how they don't die at the same time, and one gets ahead of the other?
there's no way I'm saying Joel is my fucking Soul Mate. thats just retarded of me. i'mnot stupid that way. but it's for arguments sake. maybe we're soul buddies or something, soul something...
it has that sort of level to it.
what am I talking about?

I'm in a relationship. I like it. a lot. I like talking to him, because we can talk easily. and the silences we have aren't awkward, they're comfortable. when we're together, I don't worry about my stance, i don't worry about what gibberish falls out of my mouth from my head. i don't worry. about that stuff.

quite simply, i like this.

I just wish other people could. I mean, sure, they're Happy for me... but they're wierded out. they don't think it is good. they think it's immature of me, or stupid of him, or just plain WRONG.
wheres the logic in that?
heh.
but seriously, how is that being happy for me? this is where paranoia comes in and starts to fill my mind. I don't like talking about him in person because i'm afraid that people won't take me seriously.
I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING, AND I AM PROUD. why wouldn't I be? I like him a lot. I know myself very well now, more than I ever have, I know my limits, my strengths, i know what to say when i need to say it. i know when to stop. and I don't need to stop this because it is not stupid, it's not a danger to me. this is pure emotion, people, get with it.
sheesh.

i sound stupid.
but i really like him.
man,
i really like this guy.

i am very happy that I like him too. i don't care about age. i like him a lot.
so
yeah...

there you go.

thats what going on with emily.

don't tell.