I'll leave that for you to think about

sometimes, certain night, when I think about this, I can handle it. I look forward to it. Inside, i feel ready.
at that moment.
but when it comes to nights like these, after a good day, good weekend (for the most part, of course), I can't handle it. the idea of finally throwing myself into a very different place, far away from home, where I will be completely alone, is scary.
tonight, the though of going away from a life that feels like it's getting better every day, is not a happy thought.
but remember, there are those nights when i look forward to leaving, when I feel like I can handle it fine.
how can I put this...
of course, it's him. things have gotten to the point where i just feel good with what I have. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, at this moment in time. I am pretty fucking good, actually. and i think that, and of course, I get to thinking about how long it will last.
and nothing lasts forever.
but i really wish it did. It sucks that it takes my entire highschool life to finally find this place that I'm in, and now I'm shifting to another place.
well, hardly. come on emily, think about it. You won't be that far away. three hour drive, phones, possibly email. come on... whats so bad about it?
the idea.
the picture in my head, the picture of it, will fade every night that I stop to look at it closely. every morning when I look at it again before I face my day, the details will blend together more and more into something I can't recognize. the voice in my head will drift away until finally turning into someone elses, someone I don't know, and don't want to know. the music in my head will be turned down until I simply don't hear it anymore. or any music at all.
how do I know this?
I don't. but I just feel it. and for what it's worth, my gut isn't wrong a lot of the time. instinct's are handy that way. ESP, instinct, they're basically the same thing, only one is a very trained harnessing of the other. and I've got one of those going pretty well.
so, I just feel it. I know it will happen because it already has happened. i've gone months without hearing him before, and i hear him again, and it's refreshing. it helps the person in my head stay clear and the same, not transforming into another being. it helps.
but it's happened, and I know it will again, if I go for months without talking to him again.
and right now, that's a hard thing to do, considering my new habits.

so what will happen when the time comes to break those habits and move out, at last? what will happen to me, and my little hole that i dug for myself and made all warm and cozy? what will happen to dear old me?
does it matter what happens to me? would it change the world in any way?
no.
so
does it matter whether or not I become depressed again? if I start going into places I once deemed sickening, unworthy, will it matter at all? would you really, honestly, Wonder Why I started?
how, from everything I have written in this stupid thing, how could you wonder why anything happened to me? how? after all of this, if I started to tear myself apart subconsciously, limb by limb, how could you wonder why?

this is stupid.
i need to settle with the idea of leaving it behind. of leaving that whole part of my life. i need to admit to closing this chapter and beginning another, even if I am trying to work on the finishing touches a bit to make the transition and little sweeter. life doesn't allow for those extra minutes to make everything work out for a happy ending. no room for that.

if you ever wondered what it was like to really live a life broken inside, have nothing to yourself, stop wondering. i'm living that broken life. and I will be until I forget about him.
and that will never happen.