Ashley

Something can come from being on the fence.
Insight into both sides, being able to switch from one to the other with a little more ease. being "universal".
which is a good thing in the real world. Out there, where you're interacting with others on a regular basis, where the world responds to you. well.

But in your world, your own personal world, it's the worst thing in the world.
Being on the fence in your own world, is a scary thing. When it comes to your own personal choices, you can't make them, because in the real world, you don't. you can't divide yourself in your own personal preferences.
so you have to decide between this ever so useful Universal way of thinking, requiring you to sacrafice your own mental health..
or protect yourself, and get you on one side of the fence.

Working on both at the same time is hard. For a while, it works.... but sooner or later, the fence starts making its way into your mind, a bad place to have a fence. a sooner or later, that fence you're sitting on in the real world looks more and more like it doesn't really exist. its starts to thin out, wobble, crumble beneath you.

what I'm saying....

I've been trying to be a Good person. for a while. I've been worrying more about other people, about what the world thinks, and less and less about what my mind is doing while I'm thinking about these things. and I've been listening to my mind a little more lately, and I've realized just how bad it is.
My behaviour is changing. For a while, my mind has been unwell. and now it's making its way into the real world, and its affecting me. it's making that fence I've tried sitting on disappear, and I've fallen down to the ground.

I won't say I saw it coming, but I sure felt it was a possibility. I just didn't think it would actually come to this.
While my mind has been fighting with the real world (and losing), my body has paid the price. msyterious headaches, other phantom pains in my body, sudden light headedness, feeling like the world beneath me is shifting...
chemicals. sometimes it really is just the chemicals in your body.

well...
I'm going to fix it.
I made an appointment this morning for the doctor.

I can't go to work like this anymore. I can't move to Oakville without something. I can't keep going on like this, It's like a cliff suffering from erosion, the kind you see on the east coast. It's got a small chunk of land on top, maybe even a tree up there, but all the rock beneath it, holding it up and away from the ocean, is being eaten away by those waves. waves of painful thoughts, uncanny thoughts...

It isn't going to work anymore.

and it doesn't help to take all these tests, and to have every one of them say "severe depression, seek help from blablabla" and so on.
doesn't help much.

Three years I've been like this, and I'm at a new low.
time to do something with a slightly more permanent solution. or... relief, at least.
I can't take it anymore.

so now you know.

PS:
Ashley is the name i'm giving to my headaches and any more phantom pains I get.