Losing Stature

I've been slipping.

I've been trying very hard at work to be happy, to enjoy being there. but it's hard when you go home at 5 and have a whole night to yourself and your computer. and while that might sound good, thats all that I have. There's no where to go, with almost no one.
its a very lonely place to be at this point.
I want to be back on the night shift.

And because I've been trying to be happier at work, I'm becoming much more irritable at home. I'm sounding cranky when I don't mean to, I'm acting smart with my mother for the first time.
I'm just getting sick of being here, all the time, alone. totally alone. I hate being this alone.

On top of that, I'm realizing how close I'm coming with my bills. phone. rent. tight. its very tight.

little things are pissing me off. people who talk to me in the store, people my age who i went to school with, acting like they're my buddy because they remember that I was good at something in highschool and they were there once. but I'm never invited to a party (even though I wouldn't go to one), never asked if I'm available to chill, jam, nothing. I'm sick of these fakes.
and these fake shows.

Plus:

there are things I want to change when I move. I want to work out at nights, do yoga, eat well... change myself so that the next time I try on a dress I would love to wear, I won't look so bad in it.
But to me, after wearing nothing but band shirts and jeans for most of my life, wearing a dress really is like putting a bull in toutou.
I look so strange in it. awkward. I don't wear it well.
and I really want to...

but my breasts are too big, my ribs are too wide, my torso too short. leg wise I'm fine now... but hips and up, i'm so off. My arms don't bug me anymore, but my chest... good god, what do I have to do to get a reduction?
i hate all these girls who hate themselves because they're Flat, or think they are, and they want DD and up.
do they not know how annoying those things are when they're that big? You can't wear v-necks, you're always showing cleavage. You can't wear all those shirts, because they're not made for anything bigger than B's.

man.... I wish I could do what mom did and just turn off the food aspect and lose it all.

It's a hard point in time for me. Making the change of address and realizing I have to go through training again is scaring me. Being in public is so hard for me, and I'll be in a city, full of people. Doing all those things, are so hard.
so at this point in time, I'm realizin nothing other than the faults I was born with, the ones I developed, and ones I may never change.

why can't I just be what I feel I should be? Why can't I look like the girl I think I am inside?
If I looked like the girl inside me, I wouldn't have these problems...
but all I've been facing lately are these walls that say if I'm not beautiful, I won't make it, no matter how smart I am.
and even then, Smart or not, being a woman will always be my downfall. Don't even think for an instant that there is equality in this world. there isn't. Stereotypes are thrown at me from every angle:
Working in a convenient store: idiot teen with no brain or aspirations.
being a woman: Can't lift weights, can't possibly have a License for filling that propane tank, can't know anything about computer and cars and so on about anything.

very similar.

Don't think for an instant it isn't as bad as I make it out to be either. You weren't there. You aren't there. You don't know.
YOU try having someone decide that being the sex you are immediately means you are worthless and useless.

I'm good for nothing but fucking and birthing babies and spending money.

here's the kicker:
i'll never get any of those.
because I'm not even a decent stereotype.