I broke it

Picture everything all at once.
Everything. Every person, every event in their lives, how it coincides (or doesn't) with your own. how that makes you feel, makes them feel, how others feel. Imagine everything.
Got it?

I used to think I was a fairly lucky person, when it came to my mental state. While, yes, I was a sad child (who wasn't at some point), I never thought of myself as Jealous.
in recent years, that has changed.
I became much more aware of how I am. I AM a jealous person. and i am not lucky.
I have been in certain parts of life. For instance, being raised right. my mother did a good job, for being a single mother half of my life.
But no one can save a child from the world. No one.
What drives me to this edge all the time is the constant thought of everything, of everything going around in my head like a race track, and all those cars going around and around. it only takes one of them to get them all to crash.
and they're just about to make the bang.

All I can hear in my head are words from another person. "She's the closest thing I've got a girlfriend". That's all. and I lose it.
i imagine the possiblities. him kissing her, loving her, her... well...
and I wonder,
what's so wrong with it?
everyone does those things. Everyone. its something we do, as humans. So why am I so cut off from it suddenly?
I have these feelings, but I cannot, CANNOT, act on them ever again. that part of me has been cut out... and I never really intended for it to happen like this. I didn't want to be with anyone, but it was more to save my mind. Now that my body is suddenly... dead... My mind is in greif.
I can't stop picturing them...
I wonder at these things. Could I be resurrected? for him? Could I be normal?
If I could be who you wanted all the time...
And I become Jealous. What do these girls have that I don't? I have a mind. It's lost, but I have it. I have my moments of sanity, and they are clear and wonderous.
Oh yes, the Physical.
It's true.
Sometimes, it just doesn't matter what you're like on the inside.
My own boss admitted to me, that the first thing that gets you going for that person, is their looks.

I'm just not enough.

If only I could be that girl. If only I could be beautiful. Just so he could see me...

(didn't he though? Didn't he even say to you - a long time ago. it was a long time ago - Hardly. He told you, "I've never thought of you that way before" - and that was it. Nothing more. - But he told you... - Am I supposed to believe everything I hear, when I was raised in sarcasm, sarcasm in compliments? How do you survive on that? you can't! no wonder i've lost it. No wonder I can't feel anything. Because I actually, genuinely, am out of touch with the world, and probably the one person I want to be in touch with...)

I should give up smoking and move to India, be a monk. I've got the celibacy thing down.

I imagine life and death. Real death, my existence being wiped out in an instant. I imagine what little it would do, and I hope that sometime in my lifetime, I come in contact with an alien, and hope he takes me away to his own galaxy, and teaches me how to live forever. And I would teach him how to.... cry?

I imagine life and death. I imagine Love, and Hate.
How I hate this love. it kills me eternally. I lose myself in his gaze, voice, stance. I'm lost in it, Lost to the point of numbing euphoria. Almost... like being a normal person. I'm normal with him. and I imagine him falling for this girl, this girl I never want to meet... I imagine a wedding day, and whose standing in the back, trying to be as absent as possible without losing sight of her friend. Her buddy. buddy....

(I've never wanted to love someone so badly, I've never found it so hard and unnatural to hold back and not hold him, not to hold a life to me, even a hand, something, some power, some life to connect to me, and to respond to me)

I imagine myself. and I'm lost in this feeling, of feeling everything imaginable, and being able to do nothing but drown.