WHEN

fuck.
I dont know about this.

Radiohead... It'll be awesome. i just hope I wake up in time for it.
I mean, my heart just feels so.... cold? dead?
asleep.
I can't wake up to things anymore, not until they're long gone, or over. too late. I'm too late for everything. And when you're too late for everything for so long, eventually you start going into things without any expectations... which leaves you starting out with nothing, and ending with nothing... when it could be different. and it doesn't work that way EITHER, because you KNOW it could be different.
I mean, I'm looking forward to this trip, but half of me is afraid of it for some reason. Afraid of bram? I don't think he likes me.
no, that's not it.
Afraid of Angus?
likely.
afraid of.. trains?
afraid of...

not feeling. I'm afraid I won't feel anything, at this concert, anything other than confusion and angst. angst. god, even that seems foreign and unlikely. I just... bad timing, I guess.
if this concert had been a month ago...
If things were different in some way.

Why do I feel so dead? is it because I've asked for the numb? because I didn't pay attention to what I felt when I felt it? Because I'm denying myself of everything human, of the feeling of being loved? hugged? Because i've denied myself?
why?

why can't I just wake up?!