Auriel

man..

I just don't know these things. Ha.

I was told today that my schedule at work would be changing soon, because of all the people coming and going (including myself, but that part won't be happening for another few months), and that I would be working some day shifts.
not something I wanted to hear.
see, that would mean I would have to do propane... and it's summer, which means there's going to be a lot of Propane. and the Day crowd is completely different than the night crowd. there are still idiots, but there are a lot more assholes too. not something I want to deal with.
I'm also running into the problem again of not having an outlet for a lot of this anger im finding inside me. Anger from work, from home, from my own brain. Just a lot of shit that I can't get out of me. I have no idea how to get rid of it. It's stuck in there, in me, and instead of flipping out to get it out, It's gnawing away from the inside out, slowly eating away at me, killlllliiiiiing me.

it's a horrid feeling. I have no way out, nowhere to turn.

Ontop of that:
that one feeling I get, that feeling where I forget this anger, where I feel good, clear, happy, is going to be taken away from me.
Sure, I will see him again, and I'll be moving to Oakville soon enough and will be able to see him easier... but that would require public transit. and we all know about me and the public...
yes, moving to a city requires this, I'm aware.
which leads to the next issue:
Me freaking out!!!!!!!!!! but not, because I can't, remember?

Moving to a city, what else can you do BUT take public transit everywhere?
walk. run. bike....

I'll never see him. not this often, obviously, which is what has been keeping me alive for a while.

Guess I'll have to learn how to breath underwater again....

I'm getting to that place again: where I can't find myself, and thus don't know where this place is either.
scary