Karma Purge

I've been dreaming lately,
things I don't want to dream.
I don't even know what they are, but I'm dreaming them.
And every day, I keep hearing the word "alternative" something or other, in my head. And it feels like a Dejavu, because it keeps happening.
I keep dreaming the same thing over and over, but every night it gets murkier than the night before. I can't quite make out the shapes that are normally so vibrant and outstanding.

I've been feeling lonely lately. Even surrounded by people I'm familiar with, the feeling of having someone is starting to hang over me, taunting me in a sense, because I'll never have it.
To be allowed to touch someone "intimately". not in that way, but to caress their arm, just to feel that they exist. to remember the feeling of their shirt on my palm, how their body molds it and lets it slide in some areas and not in others.

It's strange, you might think. After all these years of thinking I'm not a touchy person, I find it's what I miss the most.
Not to be touched, I don't like being touched. Just like I don't like being Photographed. Yet, I'm a Photographer.
I hate being touched (by most, there are SOME exceptions), and yet I long to feel another being.
Maybe to prove that everything I see really DOES exist. Maybe I'm just losing touch with myself. It seems so likely to me now, to lose myself in my own mind, to go insane from being left alone for so long.
I'm Out of Maintenance, I suppose.

I won't be with someone though. When my body and my mind ache for someone to hold, to feel beneath my fingers, I will not look, or substitute.
I simply can't handle another waste.
Because everyone between now and death is a time-bomb on my behalf-
save for him.

My world spins around me when I feel him.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of Destitution the other night. it carried me into a place I've been before, and everytime I return, I get more and more familiar with it's very own surroundings. Like going to a friends house, and getting to know how the house moves at night in the rain and sun.
It was a feeling of realizing how much of myself I could lose with so little effort, and in so little time.

I didn't know she would be coming back for a bit. And it's not a fear of something happening between them that scares me. it's the reminder that he loves her, is enamoured by her, and that I could never fill shoes like those.
A feeling of nothing.

but what could I do. I'm stuck with it. I'm stuck in a place I don't belong, and yet I belong there more than anywhere else.
This house is no shelter, Work no longer a decent Distraction.
I'm truly losing myself, bits of me blowing away in the wind, leaves falling off the tree. To hybernate through the winter, or because the sun is gone?
I'll never know for sure.