tonight felt good.
the Original Plans fell out, the secondary plans fell out.. but i had such a good night.
I really felt like myself, around the people who I feel best around. most of them, at least.
it doesn't get better than tonight.
I'm also starting to notice that I'm starting to.. well... be human. sometimes. and by human, I mean being physically attracted to someone. you know... phsyically...
heh.
It's weird. It's stupid, because I've sort of abandoned that part of my life, and yet... well, in some ways I'm prepared for it. I'm on Birth Control, though, not for birth control. more for regulating bodily functions and easing the pain of such functions.
I'm trying to work out, lose some weight, Look good... but only to feel good. and if I can achieve that, it will be a first in.. well... years?
but tonight, wow... a lot happened. Just, a lot of connections that were Out there, Plain and Clear, and Welcome. and it felt good to feel welcomed, to have his mother tell me she felt comfortable with me and that she liked me, and proceeding to talk to me up until she fell asleep. to be sitting in a room and have everyone acknowledge me, Poke me (and not just aric), to.. be my friends.
I've always had at least one good friend.. but I've never been surrounded by so many at once. and it felt to great. You can't possibly understand. Dare i compare it to someone who's been gone far and away, risking their life, coming home to family? It's just like that.
They really were my family on a holiday that only reminds me of the lack of a family I have. sometimes.
it's bitter, but thats how I feel. I feel like no one makes an effort for me. My grand mother and Aunt, the two distant family members I wish I could see more often, and they just can't come out of hiding for their own flesh and blood. It's hurtful.
and the fact that no one in my immediate family is bothering.. well, they're tired. so am I... but I still miss them.
but it was nice to go out, get away from work, and seemingly come home.
I cannot continue trying to explain this anymore. I only wish I could hug someone right now, just give them a bear hug, cuddle or something. fuck. I'm just.. full of this... love? tonight.
what do I do with it all?
the Original Plans fell out, the secondary plans fell out.. but i had such a good night.
I really felt like myself, around the people who I feel best around. most of them, at least.
it doesn't get better than tonight.
I'm also starting to notice that I'm starting to.. well... be human. sometimes. and by human, I mean being physically attracted to someone. you know... phsyically...
heh.
It's weird. It's stupid, because I've sort of abandoned that part of my life, and yet... well, in some ways I'm prepared for it. I'm on Birth Control, though, not for birth control. more for regulating bodily functions and easing the pain of such functions.
I'm trying to work out, lose some weight, Look good... but only to feel good. and if I can achieve that, it will be a first in.. well... years?
but tonight, wow... a lot happened. Just, a lot of connections that were Out there, Plain and Clear, and Welcome. and it felt good to feel welcomed, to have his mother tell me she felt comfortable with me and that she liked me, and proceeding to talk to me up until she fell asleep. to be sitting in a room and have everyone acknowledge me, Poke me (and not just aric), to.. be my friends.
I've always had at least one good friend.. but I've never been surrounded by so many at once. and it felt to great. You can't possibly understand. Dare i compare it to someone who's been gone far and away, risking their life, coming home to family? It's just like that.
They really were my family on a holiday that only reminds me of the lack of a family I have. sometimes.
it's bitter, but thats how I feel. I feel like no one makes an effort for me. My grand mother and Aunt, the two distant family members I wish I could see more often, and they just can't come out of hiding for their own flesh and blood. It's hurtful.
and the fact that no one in my immediate family is bothering.. well, they're tired. so am I... but I still miss them.
but it was nice to go out, get away from work, and seemingly come home.
I cannot continue trying to explain this anymore. I only wish I could hug someone right now, just give them a bear hug, cuddle or something. fuck. I'm just.. full of this... love? tonight.
what do I do with it all?
prematurely released by Norah at 1:13 AM
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