-insert big sigh here-

I am very tired.

Life is at a strange point right now.
My computer arrives tomorrow. I'm excited for that... well, I WAS excited, now I'm very neutral.
Things are about to undergo a significant change. it's a scary prospect staring me in the face, giving me this big slobbery grin, and all I've got to stand up to it with is a new computer.... which doesn't do much for most of the other parts of my life.
which are few.

so tired...
Haven't had a day off in over a week. I shouldn't complain, i know, because the hours aren't bad or anything... I'm just sick of it all.
I'm getting back into feeling small and insignificant to anyone or anything. I feel very lost in this mess of a world, another thing I'm becoming more and more aware of everytime I wake up.
He's moving away soon. two weeks, I think. no more.
I was supposed to have a night with him at a concert, but he can't go anymore.
now I have a ticket with no one to give it to...

it all seems so useless, suddenly. everything I try, in vain..

I've come to realize just where I stand in the world. it's a vague understanding, but it's the most I've ever had.
I'm celibate.... for good. No more future prospect, no more expectations that maybe someday I'll change, and actually WANT sex, and enjoy it. no more of that. therefore, no men. or any relationships for that matter. I mean, come on. take out the sex, what have you got? a guy who will get very pissed very quickly.
so...
I'm alone. now.
It's not like I really DECIDED to be celibate, I just realized that that's what I am, and it's the best choice for me anyway.

I'm so tired...

I hate feeling lonely. It doesn't help to feel lonely, and not want to be around anyone at the same time.
well, other than him, i mean.

I would say that I need out, but I've been getting reminded all too much of my mortality lately that I'm just going to take what I can get.

what a disappointment I am, A daughter who will never feel loved.
Sorry mom...