Under the Microscope..

I haven't been in a science class since tenth grade.

After that experience of a horrible teacher (which convinced me I was a moron), I avoided science like the plague. I was an arts student. I took all Music, Drama, Art, Photography courses available, and my good marks in those classes gave me a high average. It opened doors that I didn't notice were open, because I had no intention of walking through them.

No, I was the kind of person who just wanted to stay in her own home, and deal with the same things day in and day out, because it was easy, and predictable.

Of course, I moved to Oakville, and found out how stupid I was acting. This realization of naivety, among others, nearly cost me a friendship. But it also sped up the growing process for a while, Probably because I was so out of it, I couldn't feel the growing pains. Becoming an alcoholic helped as well.

When I moved back from Oakville, I decided to apply for school. What drove me to this unprecedented conclusion (considering I wanted to spend my life as a starving artist before that point) was figuring out that I needed to make a real living to get what I wanted out of life: Enough money to eventually say "fuck you all" and retire early. And maybe travel... and have a good excuse to forget to call family on holidays. Yes, I was becoming a cold person, and I can even pinpoint the exact moment that that snowball began to roll downhill, but that's not what this post is about.

This post is about the fact that when I decided to apply for school, and eventually decided to take Psychology, I did not realize that I would soon come face to face with something that I had once avoided like the plague:

Biology.

Actually, it was Chemistry I avoided, so when I chose Biology as an elective, I thought I would be fine.

oops.

Biology requires a Lab component. 30 percent of my final grade rests solely on my performance in the lab. Shouldn't be hard, I can learn whatever I want to learn, I am as capable as the next person.

Sadly, I have more anxiety issues than the next person. Much more. many many many more. See, it's been five years since I went near such a science that required goggles and a lab coat. And my class is full of student who have done otherwise. I am a minority...

I am going to look like a fool.

But this is life. I have made choices in my life knowing full-well that I was walking into a mine zone. I could be blown apart at any moment, lose a limb, or my life, with a single misstep. But I choose to go in there anyway. Call it courage, call it blind faith in my incredible ability to attract all sizes of luck, and call it naivety... I'm doing it.

I really wish these things came a little easier to me. Psychology is nothing to me, I get A's in it just fine... but sometimes I remember back to when I decided to go to Ryerson to study in a field I previously had no interest in, why I didn't go to some schools like UofT for something I've spent my life in (that was art history), or to York for the same. Why... why... did I chose Ryerson?

Because they got back to me first.

My future decided on the timing of the post.

Emily, my dear, you are a fool, and will be nothing else in Biology on Tuesday. And I shall bask in anything that comes from it.