rain rain, wash me away, please?
I knew it. I knew that I knew it, too. You knew I knew it. We all knew it would happen.
but, still, that stupid little kid in my brain told me I had all the time in the world. But like I've said to others, and to my own, deaf self: The world doesn't wait for you.
and it hasn't.
my time's up.
I'm out of time.
and tonight, I almost did it. I almost made a pointless trip to a place to admit to something I probably don't even need to talk about to make it known. I'm sure it's already obvious. but I always wanted to say it myself.
and I almost did, tonight. Almost. but then, despite the recent information added to my little memory, I decided to wait for a better opportunity. when it came up. when something like it came up in a private conversation.
and then, when opportunity came, I would, for once, seize it.
but tonight I realized I really am out of time, and no matter what I do, nothing will come of it. nothing will help me, just realize it. just ascertain that this really is IT.
ugh.
great day.
good night.
but now, i feel horrid.
I drove home in the rain, in the dark, through falling leaves and blazing headlights and shimmering raindrops that made those headlights multiply into thousands... and I felt empty. I felt lost. all over again. I am utterly lost. again. what am I going to do when it happens? What'll I do when he's gone, far away? what will happen to me? will I deteriorate into nothingness? will i be distracted by the world? will the world ultimately reach its demise and explode? or melt?
what?
I came home, with this gut-wrenching pain in my body. not from all the food I ate, but just from slowly realizing all of this, and found Gord. in passing by, I "reminded" him about his tab at the store, for the eggs I had to bring home for him at 11 at night. and he bitched at me for not paying, he bitched and bitched and couldn't understand why I didn't pay for his eggs.
you know, I figured something out tonight. The reason I'm not painting, the reason I'm not inspired to do anything, is because there's nothing to inspire me. I mean, there's lot... but the motivation isn't there. it might have been once, but then Gord walked in the room with his negative vibes and shit, and everything I COULD have done went down the drain.
of course, it doesn't help that my muse is leaving me, like everyone else.
yes, I'm bitter.
I'm also very cold right now.
I hate this house. maybe I should just go out in the rain, and get pnemonia, and die in the hospital. I almost hoped for my car to lose control tonight, going up the oak hills. I hoped for it. for something to jerk me back into reality, into a sane body with clear thoughts.
But it didn't. no deer jumped out in front of my car, no idiot driver tried to pass in front of me. Nothing. Instead, I was left sinking in this hole of a life, this black hole thats sucked all of me inside of it.
and what I had left just got sucked in.
im so stuck right now, I've lost all will to get myself free. what's freedom, afterall, if you experience it alone?
but, still, that stupid little kid in my brain told me I had all the time in the world. But like I've said to others, and to my own, deaf self: The world doesn't wait for you.
and it hasn't.
my time's up.
I'm out of time.
and tonight, I almost did it. I almost made a pointless trip to a place to admit to something I probably don't even need to talk about to make it known. I'm sure it's already obvious. but I always wanted to say it myself.
and I almost did, tonight. Almost. but then, despite the recent information added to my little memory, I decided to wait for a better opportunity. when it came up. when something like it came up in a private conversation.
and then, when opportunity came, I would, for once, seize it.
but tonight I realized I really am out of time, and no matter what I do, nothing will come of it. nothing will help me, just realize it. just ascertain that this really is IT.
ugh.
great day.
good night.
but now, i feel horrid.
I drove home in the rain, in the dark, through falling leaves and blazing headlights and shimmering raindrops that made those headlights multiply into thousands... and I felt empty. I felt lost. all over again. I am utterly lost. again. what am I going to do when it happens? What'll I do when he's gone, far away? what will happen to me? will I deteriorate into nothingness? will i be distracted by the world? will the world ultimately reach its demise and explode? or melt?
what?
I came home, with this gut-wrenching pain in my body. not from all the food I ate, but just from slowly realizing all of this, and found Gord. in passing by, I "reminded" him about his tab at the store, for the eggs I had to bring home for him at 11 at night. and he bitched at me for not paying, he bitched and bitched and couldn't understand why I didn't pay for his eggs.
you know, I figured something out tonight. The reason I'm not painting, the reason I'm not inspired to do anything, is because there's nothing to inspire me. I mean, there's lot... but the motivation isn't there. it might have been once, but then Gord walked in the room with his negative vibes and shit, and everything I COULD have done went down the drain.
of course, it doesn't help that my muse is leaving me, like everyone else.
yes, I'm bitter.
I'm also very cold right now.
I hate this house. maybe I should just go out in the rain, and get pnemonia, and die in the hospital. I almost hoped for my car to lose control tonight, going up the oak hills. I hoped for it. for something to jerk me back into reality, into a sane body with clear thoughts.
But it didn't. no deer jumped out in front of my car, no idiot driver tried to pass in front of me. Nothing. Instead, I was left sinking in this hole of a life, this black hole thats sucked all of me inside of it.
and what I had left just got sucked in.
im so stuck right now, I've lost all will to get myself free. what's freedom, afterall, if you experience it alone?
prematurely released by Norah at 9:03 PM
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