Clarity, via... confusion?

It's been a dead life. quite the paradox, when you decide to think about what it really means.

All I have time for is thinking about the Future. It's where I'm headed... but I don't know where it is.

I just read in No Bananas a post by Ron, about how everyone is growing apart. I was never a key part in that group of people, just an occassional drop-by. Not someone thought of that often. and I have no problem with it either.
but there are some people... well, one person... who I'm terrified of growing apart from. He's the kind of person that you'll lose if you don't try to keep an eye on him.

It's frustrating. everyone around me knows what they're going to do with their lives, they know What they want, EXACTLY what they want, if not at least the general Area of Expertise.

I don't.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. The only destination I've ever had was him, and I may never catch that flight...

I've been hoping something happens in Toronto, that, with the city-life and changing habits (hopefully) I would have my eyes opened to the world, and would get an idea, even a VAGUE idea, of where I would stand in it...

but will that really happen?
I've never been so afraid of the future than I have been this past month. It's a complete mystery. anything can happen, anything at all.... But I can't even begin to guess what will happen.

I just want to know what to do with myself.
I haven't played guitar in months. I haven't written a song in ages. I haven't written a story, I've barely painted two pictures...

there are so many loose-ends to tie up... I just don't know if I can do it. There's nothing to draw from, no inspiration, no love, not the kind that inspires you in the middle of the night to write something compelling, or to paint something beautiful and stunning.

I have so little now. There's nothing to define me anymore. I'm just another schmuck in the pit-town of Stirling. Just another loser without a life.

I envy that in the people around me. They have something to define them, something to hold on to, something to follow, to chase. Angus has his music... I wish I had something like that. Something so strong that even everyone else around can see how powerful that connection is, that drive.

I just don't have it.

and I think that's why I finally broke down the weekend. It didn't help. I didn't sleep better after that sob from the dark. I didn't wake up with less weight on my shoulders....
It was just another day without him. another day without knowing. another day without something to look forward to.
I've never felt so lost and non-existant in my entire life. It's like my soul is disappearing, fading away like an old photo. I am depleted of everything. My life-force is dying.
that sounds very stupid.

what will I do with myself?
Where will I go, when I finally learn that I don't have a place in my single destination? What will I do then? School? for what?

for what?
that seems the be the question.
For what.