On the Wagon

My last cigarette was one week ago.

The last cigarette that was NOT taken from someone elses pack was two weeks ago.

The last time I bought a pack was a month ago (I got a carton).

Quitting smoking is an interesting experience. My temper and level of patience has been out of control as of late, and my focus is only now just getting back into gear (though it was hardly in gear before). I'm told that after only a day or two the nicotine is out of your system completely, and the rest is just in your head.

Well, when you live with chain smokers, the nicotine isn't ever REALLY out of your system... it is mostly, but second hand smoke sure is a big deal here.

I've read about the possible side-effects of quitting, like nausea (which I've had, but I was getting that before quitting, so that's a little up in the air), weight gain (duh), and even a sore throat.

I'm getting a sore throat right now, and I've noticed an excess of other liquids, mostly in the back of my throat (Post nasal drip, anyone?)

Physical side-effects don't bother me, I get over that pretty easily. Boohoo, nausea, another excuse to stay home from class.

The shitty part is the habit itself. It's a horrible thing to say, but I'm not alone in it: It's like I've lost something, I'm actually in a period of mourning.

Mourning what, you (a non smoker) may ask?

Well, there's a story to any smoker, why they started, when, the things they did while they smoked, and the triggers and such. Some friends of mine have blamed stress as a trigger (And I too have reached for the cigarettes out of anxiety: it's something else to focus on). Other's just enjoy the feeling of smoking when they're drunk. This I certainly agree with, as when I was drunk, I would become a chainsmoker.

But then it started to spread beyond being drunk. Eventually, my cigarettes were timed. Everytime I finished a meal, I had a cigarette. While I was waiting for that meal to cook, I had one. When I watched a movie, I had one at the start, and one about half way through, if I didn't see anyone smoking in the movie.

Smoking reminds me of some things, such as sitting with friends, where we were in the depths of a conversation and our cigarettes were tools used to cue the other person on when to interrupt, or to make a point, etc...

It was a social activity, it was a scheduled activity, and in both of these things I felt comfortable with my cigarette. Thus, I would transfer that happiness and security into the tobacco.

Wrong, of course, and in this I am working... in this I struggle.

The fact is, even after just a week of being smoke free and not having to touch a lighter save to pass it to my grandmother, I miss smoking. I miss having something in my fingers, in my control, and being under the control of.

Why do people start smoking in this day and age, a person asks. Because it's cool? Because it feels good? Honestly, half the time I smoked (when I was sober), It did not feel that great. sometimes it felt horrible and made me feel sick (this is how I felt throughout my last two packs, and thus I quit). 

No, these are not the reasons, not for me at least.

I wasn't a cutter, I wasn't much of a dramatic. I kept to myself, and didn't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I still don't, though I try to express more often now.

To me, smoking did what I imagine cutting does for some people. It was a self-destructive behaviour to alleviate some other pain, it was a behaviour that a person felt a part of with others, a communal suicide. We, the small percentage left of smokers, demonstrated that we were the last few in the world willing to kill ourselves, all for a feeling, no matter how fleeting and foolish. How Romantic, heroic, indicative.

Stupid of course, I know... but it's the truth.

So, in short, I miss destroying myself in a physical manner, as opposed to the usual psychological manner.

I'll just have to take up drinking again.

(By the way, if you don't recognize the picture, it's a self-portrait of Joni Mitchell, one of the last great smokers, and my own personal idol, along with John Lennon [I think I would rather be John Lennon, even if I do get shot])