title-less today. didn't feel like doing the title thing a whole lot.
i feel so horrible for emma. She's all alone, pretty much, and never gets to see anyone. its so sad. i wish i saw her more often. but then again, I wish i saw everyone from last semester more often...
shes had a hard day though, thats for sure.
Things with putting the coffee house together are starting to get underway with Kirsten, and I'm thinking she and I, Tom and Aaron should do a plugged in set too. that would be coool, though I don't know who will play what exactly...:S
good day today though. APS was interesting, somewhat, and english too. though there still seems to be that undertoning to it all. I couldn't spend lunch in the music room, I'm starting to get really annoyed from it. All people seem to do now is look stuff up on the internet, and yes some of it is funny, but I don't care. i don't give a shit whats on the internet half the time, mostly when i hope to have a conversation with my friends about life, not Computer life. I'm just getting so sick of it in there. things are messy, and its bugging me now. there are garbage cans in there, people, USE THEM PROPERLY, instead of trying, missing, and not bothering to clean it up. there are too many people in there at once too. Lunch time, ok, last semester was fine, but I'm not spending another few months in a puny room with thirteen people at once and tons of coats, etc. its too hot, too close, etc etc. i shouldn't be talking, thats my stuff in there too, but its just really starting to bug me a lot. even in msip i'm trying to get out into the air. today, I couldn't stand it, i had to keep moving around, or something. no AIR in there...
I got out lunch though, and I think I will keep going out for lunch now. not out as in 'out of the school', i mean just out of the music room. It was good, too. I ate with josh and Justin, in the caf, with all those people....yipes. i think i can keep that up though. I like it a lot more than the same number of people in an even smaller room....well, ok, not THAT many, but you get the point.
yet, for the strangest but unknown reason, i felt like dancing today. i could hardly keep myself from breaking into a jig! rather nice, though, to be able to feel like that. Lately, by lately the last month or two, I've been looking in the mirror and not worrying so much. i'm starting to like to person whos looking back at me, and I have the feel that the two of use are going to get along quite well in the not too distant future, if i can just control my paranoia. I used to be one of those complete loners in the crowd, meaning i hung out with people but i never talked to them. i was just there, sort of a protection thing, i guess. I was the loser then.
that was grade 8, mind you, but those were tough times. after grade 9, i started to break away from that. there was a long length of time, being all of grade 9, that I tore down that sculpture inside to rubble, to start over. during grade 10 i started putting pieces back together, looking over things again and putting them into the right places, or at least whatever felt right, and soon a completely different mold was forming as I began to learn more about myself. of course, I made a huge mistake while doing this, and it cost me time, and that was getting into a relationship. Unofficial rebound, i call it, since the plague (that would be that huge thing called love) started in early grade nine left me feeling shitty and I got desperate. very desperate, but I shall not go into that now.
grade 10 ended, and I hadn't yet seen it, but the mold was starting to create something, and as I started grade 11 and (halfway throught eh first semester) for the first time felt worth something to people, I noticed this new sculpture coming out of the rubble that was my former life. it was rough at first, in the early stages, but as time went on it started to look really good.
now I look in the mirror and see that. there are still several chips missing, and I have yet to find a few missing pieces and to deal with other pieces, but things are standing and holding together, and its reassuring. i can't help but think of the changes i've gone through since highschool started. some parts i wish i never experienced, but I did. maybe for the better...so i'm dancing, for the first time, and I can't give a flying fuck what people say about me nowadays. I have never felt so strong in my entire life, considering the past. I have never felt so placed in a world, and I can't help but feel terrified of losing it. i only have a year left after this, almost all my friends are leaving after this year, and i'm terrified to grow up. i'm scared to leave this all behind, because I love it so much. Everything that has happened to me in the past three years will never be forgotten. I have met the most amazing people in my life in this school, most of them simply by stepping into the music room once in grade 9. Its funny how that effected everything. i'm so scared of losing all this, this huge connection with everyone. i'm terrified of losing this amazing light of my life, and I wish it could keep going on, to last. I'm so lost without it, and I feel so alone without these people, so vacant and useless...
bipolar mood today, as I told emma earlier, during Drama Council.
things seem to be running smoothly, school wise. i can't seem to grasp anything outside of school though. I'm actually doing stuff, being practicing and homework and sleeping and eating. thats it, but it keeps me busy so easily. I've been thinking a lot about this whole religion thing. I KNOW what religion i am, but I can't seem to think of how to tell my family, all christian (some HEAVY christian), that I'm Buddhist. It seems a little hard, considering all the stupid things my step dad could say. he would freak, not that i would care under different circumstances, but I have to LIVE witht he guy. he wouldn't let me live it down. I keep imagining all the differences it would make in relationship, the different religions. i'm not normally religous, but lately i've been thinking about it so much. i guess its just something I needed to figure out now, not later on in life. i'm glad I am, too, but its starting to poke into subjects where it shouldn't be. I'm worrying too much about some things that have to do with it and some that don't. wierd, right? buh.
different things about it are starting to hit me, too. just how much of history was based on the bible, and how pointless it all seems sometimes. I don't know how to describe it really, it just seems funny how *everyone* in history seemed to believe in god, and meanwhile we have alll these different religons now and how many different views there are.
everything seems so funny in the wrong way!
oi.
if that was confusing, too bad. I was typing and didn't stop. i had so much on my mind, i needed to get it out!
i guess thats it for now!
P.S: I miss you alison!
i feel so horrible for emma. She's all alone, pretty much, and never gets to see anyone. its so sad. i wish i saw her more often. but then again, I wish i saw everyone from last semester more often...
shes had a hard day though, thats for sure.
Things with putting the coffee house together are starting to get underway with Kirsten, and I'm thinking she and I, Tom and Aaron should do a plugged in set too. that would be coool, though I don't know who will play what exactly...:S
good day today though. APS was interesting, somewhat, and english too. though there still seems to be that undertoning to it all. I couldn't spend lunch in the music room, I'm starting to get really annoyed from it. All people seem to do now is look stuff up on the internet, and yes some of it is funny, but I don't care. i don't give a shit whats on the internet half the time, mostly when i hope to have a conversation with my friends about life, not Computer life. I'm just getting so sick of it in there. things are messy, and its bugging me now. there are garbage cans in there, people, USE THEM PROPERLY, instead of trying, missing, and not bothering to clean it up. there are too many people in there at once too. Lunch time, ok, last semester was fine, but I'm not spending another few months in a puny room with thirteen people at once and tons of coats, etc. its too hot, too close, etc etc. i shouldn't be talking, thats my stuff in there too, but its just really starting to bug me a lot. even in msip i'm trying to get out into the air. today, I couldn't stand it, i had to keep moving around, or something. no AIR in there...
I got out lunch though, and I think I will keep going out for lunch now. not out as in 'out of the school', i mean just out of the music room. It was good, too. I ate with josh and Justin, in the caf, with all those people....yipes. i think i can keep that up though. I like it a lot more than the same number of people in an even smaller room....well, ok, not THAT many, but you get the point.
yet, for the strangest but unknown reason, i felt like dancing today. i could hardly keep myself from breaking into a jig! rather nice, though, to be able to feel like that. Lately, by lately the last month or two, I've been looking in the mirror and not worrying so much. i'm starting to like to person whos looking back at me, and I have the feel that the two of use are going to get along quite well in the not too distant future, if i can just control my paranoia. I used to be one of those complete loners in the crowd, meaning i hung out with people but i never talked to them. i was just there, sort of a protection thing, i guess. I was the loser then.
that was grade 8, mind you, but those were tough times. after grade 9, i started to break away from that. there was a long length of time, being all of grade 9, that I tore down that sculpture inside to rubble, to start over. during grade 10 i started putting pieces back together, looking over things again and putting them into the right places, or at least whatever felt right, and soon a completely different mold was forming as I began to learn more about myself. of course, I made a huge mistake while doing this, and it cost me time, and that was getting into a relationship. Unofficial rebound, i call it, since the plague (that would be that huge thing called love) started in early grade nine left me feeling shitty and I got desperate. very desperate, but I shall not go into that now.
grade 10 ended, and I hadn't yet seen it, but the mold was starting to create something, and as I started grade 11 and (halfway throught eh first semester) for the first time felt worth something to people, I noticed this new sculpture coming out of the rubble that was my former life. it was rough at first, in the early stages, but as time went on it started to look really good.
now I look in the mirror and see that. there are still several chips missing, and I have yet to find a few missing pieces and to deal with other pieces, but things are standing and holding together, and its reassuring. i can't help but think of the changes i've gone through since highschool started. some parts i wish i never experienced, but I did. maybe for the better...so i'm dancing, for the first time, and I can't give a flying fuck what people say about me nowadays. I have never felt so strong in my entire life, considering the past. I have never felt so placed in a world, and I can't help but feel terrified of losing it. i only have a year left after this, almost all my friends are leaving after this year, and i'm terrified to grow up. i'm scared to leave this all behind, because I love it so much. Everything that has happened to me in the past three years will never be forgotten. I have met the most amazing people in my life in this school, most of them simply by stepping into the music room once in grade 9. Its funny how that effected everything. i'm so scared of losing all this, this huge connection with everyone. i'm terrified of losing this amazing light of my life, and I wish it could keep going on, to last. I'm so lost without it, and I feel so alone without these people, so vacant and useless...
bipolar mood today, as I told emma earlier, during Drama Council.
things seem to be running smoothly, school wise. i can't seem to grasp anything outside of school though. I'm actually doing stuff, being practicing and homework and sleeping and eating. thats it, but it keeps me busy so easily. I've been thinking a lot about this whole religion thing. I KNOW what religion i am, but I can't seem to think of how to tell my family, all christian (some HEAVY christian), that I'm Buddhist. It seems a little hard, considering all the stupid things my step dad could say. he would freak, not that i would care under different circumstances, but I have to LIVE witht he guy. he wouldn't let me live it down. I keep imagining all the differences it would make in relationship, the different religions. i'm not normally religous, but lately i've been thinking about it so much. i guess its just something I needed to figure out now, not later on in life. i'm glad I am, too, but its starting to poke into subjects where it shouldn't be. I'm worrying too much about some things that have to do with it and some that don't. wierd, right? buh.
different things about it are starting to hit me, too. just how much of history was based on the bible, and how pointless it all seems sometimes. I don't know how to describe it really, it just seems funny how *everyone* in history seemed to believe in god, and meanwhile we have alll these different religons now and how many different views there are.
everything seems so funny in the wrong way!
oi.
if that was confusing, too bad. I was typing and didn't stop. i had so much on my mind, i needed to get it out!
i guess thats it for now!
P.S: I miss you alison!
prematurely released by Norah at 8:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home