Cold Detachment
I am no constant.
one lesson I learned in the past year was to never place your trust in a Variable. Constants are Family Members, Best Friends, those are constants. they are to be trusted, in most circumstances... in the perfect setting, I suppose.
But I mistook a variable for a constant.
the price? The loss of a friend.
Loss.
Everyday, in the hallway, I see Angus. Brad Twiddy, his younger cousin (my age) is going to bayside, yet again, and everytime I see him I remember Angus.
Everyday, on my way home on the Bus, I see Brams little brother... not Isaac. But I see him, and he does a little wave to someone on my bus, the same sort of salute thing that Bram gave, and i remember Bram.
I rememebr everyone I've lost.
and to add to that ever growing list, is Kirsten.
I thought she was a constant in my life, but like all of those other amazing people (who I WISH were constants), she was a variable. And I placed my trust in her by mistake. I trusted that no matter how much I fucked up, she would be there, always... but she wasn't.
and it's no ones fault, it was a mistake.
I never had a constant until I met Emma. She is my constant, my best friend, the one who knows all there is to know about me. I trust her.
but all of today, on the way home, I couldn't help but think of how much I had gained since grade nine, and how in the course of a few months, I lost it all, and changed from it yet again.
I'm not the same person I was one year ago. not in the least bit. I am not Emily Engel, grade 11, hardly friends with many people. I am in grade 12, I've made friends with amazing people, almost all of whom are far far away from home.
fuck...
how did I get to be 16, in grade 12, with those people as my background?
back then, I tried SO hard to be their friend, even their variable, but I never got beyond empty space, wasted space, someone no one wanted around. I was a fucking loser, loner, asshole. I was in grade 8, 9, and i tried so hard for them to like me.
then I gave up on it. i said Fuck You, I'm not bothering...
and now, when I put half of the cards on the deck, all of these people want to play. they see that half, and think Fuck the other half, this looks like fun, lets play poker!
why now? I'm just a grade 9 whos been in highschool for going on four years. why the HELL do you want me now? did I earn some respect by working as a clerk? by knowing these people? by ignoring you? what the fuck did I do? these are half of my cards, which you claim to like now, but you haven't even seen the other half yet!
but you... fuck....YOU...
Emma knows my deck. all of it. and for once, I was brave (somewhat) and put the other half on the table for YOU to see....
but you haven't done anything! I have been honest, shown it all to you, and what do you do? you stand there, not saying you want to play, but not saying you DONT want to either.
WHAT THE FUCK?! DO SOMETHING! I may have said that you didn't have to respond to that email, but do you know what that means? it means
DO SOMETHING ELSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING
FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP STARING AT MY CARDS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm sick of sitting with you at lunch, and you looking at me the same as you did last year. I can't stand it. I'm not her anymore! i'm ME! i'm trying to be ME for you! but you don't give a shit! why the fuck don't you have feelings?!!?!?!?!
why?
look at her
she's everything he wants.
pure
a believer
no drugs
everything he wants that I'm not.
i feel stupid.
and ontop of this, i somehow feel happy???
tonight, i feel content with myself. I dont feel bad for smoking drugs, not even for kirsten. it's my choice, im not the same as I was. thats done. its gone. im happy with my choices.
so now im pissed off at them. him. her. you. everyone is pissing me off today, and i want to be left alone.
I wish you weren't a variable. I wish you were a constant for me. I wish I could trust you more. but I made the mistake again: I thought you were a constant, but you don't seem to want me as YOUR constant... so what should I do?
Wait and see?
Im sick of waiting and seeing.
I'm sick of life.
I'm sick of the world.
I'm really sick of this god damned game I've been playing. I'm sick of how my life has turned out. sure, there are awesome points, but you know what? tonight, I fucking hate it. I'm sick of knowing that I love someone more than anyone else, more than I will ever love anyone else, and yet never being more than his Pal. I'm sick of knowing that, and still trying to love Him, when he doesn't seem to want me.
Why does this happen to me? I tried everything, I tried nothing, but nothing works right now. I'm at another dead end, at the start of a new year.
and I don't believe it will change. I wish i could believe that those things CAN happen, but they don't... not to me. I never get that sort of love.
whoop-de-fucking-doo.
you need love too, right?
so what means I DONT? where did that become a rule? How can No one else love, especially me? I can't have feelings, nono, I have no problems, they all went away-
fuck, sure they did.
I hate everything today.
I even hate Josh
one lesson I learned in the past year was to never place your trust in a Variable. Constants are Family Members, Best Friends, those are constants. they are to be trusted, in most circumstances... in the perfect setting, I suppose.
But I mistook a variable for a constant.
the price? The loss of a friend.
Loss.
Everyday, in the hallway, I see Angus. Brad Twiddy, his younger cousin (my age) is going to bayside, yet again, and everytime I see him I remember Angus.
Everyday, on my way home on the Bus, I see Brams little brother... not Isaac. But I see him, and he does a little wave to someone on my bus, the same sort of salute thing that Bram gave, and i remember Bram.
I rememebr everyone I've lost.
and to add to that ever growing list, is Kirsten.
I thought she was a constant in my life, but like all of those other amazing people (who I WISH were constants), she was a variable. And I placed my trust in her by mistake. I trusted that no matter how much I fucked up, she would be there, always... but she wasn't.
and it's no ones fault, it was a mistake.
I never had a constant until I met Emma. She is my constant, my best friend, the one who knows all there is to know about me. I trust her.
but all of today, on the way home, I couldn't help but think of how much I had gained since grade nine, and how in the course of a few months, I lost it all, and changed from it yet again.
I'm not the same person I was one year ago. not in the least bit. I am not Emily Engel, grade 11, hardly friends with many people. I am in grade 12, I've made friends with amazing people, almost all of whom are far far away from home.
fuck...
how did I get to be 16, in grade 12, with those people as my background?
back then, I tried SO hard to be their friend, even their variable, but I never got beyond empty space, wasted space, someone no one wanted around. I was a fucking loser, loner, asshole. I was in grade 8, 9, and i tried so hard for them to like me.
then I gave up on it. i said Fuck You, I'm not bothering...
and now, when I put half of the cards on the deck, all of these people want to play. they see that half, and think Fuck the other half, this looks like fun, lets play poker!
why now? I'm just a grade 9 whos been in highschool for going on four years. why the HELL do you want me now? did I earn some respect by working as a clerk? by knowing these people? by ignoring you? what the fuck did I do? these are half of my cards, which you claim to like now, but you haven't even seen the other half yet!
but you... fuck....YOU...
Emma knows my deck. all of it. and for once, I was brave (somewhat) and put the other half on the table for YOU to see....
but you haven't done anything! I have been honest, shown it all to you, and what do you do? you stand there, not saying you want to play, but not saying you DONT want to either.
WHAT THE FUCK?! DO SOMETHING! I may have said that you didn't have to respond to that email, but do you know what that means? it means
DO SOMETHING ELSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING
FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP STARING AT MY CARDS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm sick of sitting with you at lunch, and you looking at me the same as you did last year. I can't stand it. I'm not her anymore! i'm ME! i'm trying to be ME for you! but you don't give a shit! why the fuck don't you have feelings?!!?!?!?!
why?
look at her
she's everything he wants.
pure
a believer
no drugs
everything he wants that I'm not.
i feel stupid.
and ontop of this, i somehow feel happy???
tonight, i feel content with myself. I dont feel bad for smoking drugs, not even for kirsten. it's my choice, im not the same as I was. thats done. its gone. im happy with my choices.
so now im pissed off at them. him. her. you. everyone is pissing me off today, and i want to be left alone.
I wish you weren't a variable. I wish you were a constant for me. I wish I could trust you more. but I made the mistake again: I thought you were a constant, but you don't seem to want me as YOUR constant... so what should I do?
Wait and see?
Im sick of waiting and seeing.
I'm sick of life.
I'm sick of the world.
I'm really sick of this god damned game I've been playing. I'm sick of how my life has turned out. sure, there are awesome points, but you know what? tonight, I fucking hate it. I'm sick of knowing that I love someone more than anyone else, more than I will ever love anyone else, and yet never being more than his Pal. I'm sick of knowing that, and still trying to love Him, when he doesn't seem to want me.
Why does this happen to me? I tried everything, I tried nothing, but nothing works right now. I'm at another dead end, at the start of a new year.
and I don't believe it will change. I wish i could believe that those things CAN happen, but they don't... not to me. I never get that sort of love.
whoop-de-fucking-doo.
you need love too, right?
so what means I DONT? where did that become a rule? How can No one else love, especially me? I can't have feelings, nono, I have no problems, they all went away-
fuck, sure they did.
I hate everything today.
I even hate Josh
prematurely released by Norah at 3:44 PM
1 Comments:
You're a fucking loser
How do you expect people to act like that? like everything about you? So what if he doesn't like you? get over it. you know what you want, so fuck everything else and do whatever.
you're just too fucking paranoid about things, man, and you don't know how to be a person. You don't know how to act without coming off the wrong way to people. so stop worrying about stuff like that. Stop taking things the WRONG WAY
It's not his fault he didn't reply to the email. you told him NOT to, or gave him the choice, and he made his choice. get over the fact that you won't get any ROMANCE or stupid corny thing like that. Get over it, get over them... and Be happy with Him.
---Alter Ego
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