how much more can I fuck things up?

"Sorry" seems to meaningless to say. it's not about whats spoken, but what isn't. I'm all about the Not Spoken part. but it seems like no one picks up on that. I try to explain that I'm not a vocal person, and people say they understand... yet they get upset when I don't "Talk". "Intimacy is sharing things, talking about things" but I can't talk. and when I try to talk, I either mess it up and make them even more mad, or confuse them because I use so much sarcasm to make it look like I don't really care. when, in fact, I do care. i try to make all of my actions mean something. I try to make all of my faces actually represent something, all of my movements a hint to what I'm saying without words. but no one gets it. No one. So even when I use art, people misinterpret it. art is left for interpretation, yes... but it's my language as well. and no one seems to understand it at all. no one. and this is where I'm left alone. No one picks up on these things. When I don't say anything, I'm saying something. When I'm loud about something, I'm saying i would rather not talk about it. I'm the paradox that way.
so, when someone gets upset with me, or takes offense (such as by my last blog. easy to do that), I can't verbally apologize, because it's not me. i mean, I say sorry all the time, absent mindedly. I don't even know i'm saying it. so it can't mean much if I say it. not all the time, at least. sometimes I do. but to apologize for my last blog...? how? if I were to follow the "rules" i seemingly just laid out, someone would have to have been following my actions and movements for the past month to see my apology, to see my shame.
I can't communicate with other human beings. if I ever find someone like me, I think I will marry them. of course, I already have an idea of someone like that, but.. I don't know.
the spoken word is my enemy. it hates me. therefore, I'm afraid of it, and avoid it at all costs. I've been afraid of it since public school, thanks to my beautiful lisp.
and he wonders why I don't talk. because it was beaten into me that if someone heard my slightly wierd "s" sound, or see how my mouth moves a little funny to say anything with that horrid letter in it, they would make me regret ever speaking. thats what happened. and for such a long time that there's no undoing it.
so will the world bend for me? fuck no. but the least it could do is let me be as I am. personal relationships will have to be warped to work out, and that I can apologize for. I really am sorry that I can't speak well, and that I can't voice my emotions as well as other people.
apparently only writing does that.

so, in that long bit, i was trying to Say This:
the last blog is being kept there, because for the most part it's true. although, I think I can warp it back into the utter truth by saying that I'm simply stressed to the point, right now at least, that everything else added to my load pisses me off, because I don't want it. right now, I want routine to keep me stable, even if my own boredom kills me. it just pisses me off when other people cry in public, making it another small load for those seeing it. I know they don't intend for that, but when you're as stressed as I am right now, you get pissed off that other people have the ability to expose themselves such...

fuck, even that isn't true. ok... that night, i was having a horrible night. I've been predicting my future in Ottawa, and it's going to be hard for me. very hard. I will be depressed not long after moving there, it's inevitable. and I tried to tell Joel this, but he couldn't quite understand why. mind you, I am keeping some things from him, but those are too deep for him yet. too deep right now. so, I am stressed about knowing this will happen. and then I'm stressed about not being able to tell Joel WHY I'll be this way without him trying to cheer me up or teach me something. and for fucks sake, why do people have to do that? I hate it. I'm stressed over my teetering english mark, and how very close I am to failing and not being able to move at all, let alone get a job if I somehow made it to Ottawa. I'm stressed over all the work I have to do, Macbeth, Money issues... everything is getting to me right now.

alas, I have made yet another pointless blog trying to save myself. from what?

I work all weekend. tomorrow night, sunday for the day, then to Angus' that night for a party, then monday night I work. then the rest of the week is Macbeth, and I'm scared shitless. I am not confident in anything right now. I am so lost, that winging it is pretty much impossible.

what do I do?

but the biggest thing killing me, besides school, is finally leaving him behind. finally getting somewhere else away from him, and admitting to life without him, eventually. I don't want to. I wish I could be with him all the time, but it won't happen. therefore, I'm already lost.

oh, fuck. late night. i'm tired. I want to sleep in a warm bed right now. so, I think I will