yet again!

So, i know my problem. two problems. both incredibly interrelated with one another. one with the other, the other with the one, they effect one another with hardly anything to move it. The main problem, that most of my life has revolved around, is getting away from things. places, people, things, in general. and I realized last night that I was actually able to understand why I wanted to get away, and it was because of my other problem. see, this first problem was riddled with all these tiny hints, memories and thoughts about past times, and how so many of those past times were, in some way, a tangent of my second problem. so, in a way, you could say I have one problem. but they're both smaller problems in themselves, just much more complicated and needing of the other.

I've realized a trend, when i'm in a car. i'll be zoning out, and find I'm zoning out to thoughts of either past events that involved this road, or season, or i'm zoning out into a fantasy world, that is actually taking my memories and transforming them into perfect worlds, alternate realities for myself to hide in. not to say i'm hiding from anything all that well in this place.

so, no matter what road I take in this area, I've likely taken it before, and the circumstances of that drive will lead to a memory of this second problem, the second problem that is beginning to form a new, temporary problem.

in short: I can't escape the past. not around here. so, I know what I need to do, and I need to do it soon. I need to get out of stirling, and far away from everything around here, everything I know. i'm not going to cut myself off from friends and family though... and that, of course, means the problem isn't solved. but, if there wasn't a problem to solve, what sort of life would that be?
bland.

i need to move. and i have the opportunity. but it's also a double-edged blade. I could move... but things would happen, and a relationship would be destroyed. if i didn't move, I would deteriorate into nothingness and...well, then what?
theres a third option, but i'm weary of it.

I'm in quite a sticky place. I'm 50/50 all the time on it. i'll feel this way one day, and then another way the next day, and i'll bounce back and forth between these two feelings, these two equally good ideas (not good, just equally equal ideas...?), which is leaving me incredibly stressed the fuck out. and depressed.

what else can I do?

I know what I need to do. it's the last option. the one i'm weary of. the one I dont really feel confident in, but more confident than the other two.

I just don't want to do it. so much would be fucked up. but, i suppose that would happen anyway, wouldn't it?