Fish Bowl
I hate it when I have a dream that's so perfect, thats all my fantasies turned into something that feels so real, so hard to tell from reality. i hate it, because when I wake up and realize I was asleep all that time, it hurts. especially when I can physically feel things, hallucinate feelings. you know... i hate it.
yet, I'm glad i have them. they're a relief from everyday life, I suppose, even if they are just dreams that I can't share with anyone else. even so, I like having them to be there, something to bounce on. not bounce back from, just.. something nicer looking to sit on, I guess. I don't know. Last night, what a dream... it was so real. it's bringing up those old feelings, reminding me of why i feel the way I feel. it hurts, but it's... something else. it's dying alone at home, and coming back to life, still alone at home. no one knows it happened, but it did. and it was phenomonal, no matter how pointless it is.
what the fuck am I saying?
-sigh-
lifes a bitch, and then you die. i don't wanna die. fah-rig.
god, that dream. I want to dream it again and again, every night, just to enjoy it. it's a brand new memory. it's wierd, too. I only have that one kind of dream. I don't dreams about FAR in the future. I don't have "happy ending" dreams. I have "Fucked up yet romantic beginnings" dreams, or "sad endings" dreams. taunts and threats, nothing but taunts and threats. oh life. how you hate me. so it seems.
Joel never came down for the weekend. that, or he did, and just didn't call. wouldn't surprise me all that much. I'm seeing a big problem with this. I'm actually kind of mad at him. yeah, I understand that he's tired and shit, but maybe he shouldn't go out after work all the time and, just for once, give me a fucking call. at least return my call from last SUNDAY. frig. I don't know. I'm just mad. upset. upset, I am.
oh, i just want to dream again.
yet, I'm glad i have them. they're a relief from everyday life, I suppose, even if they are just dreams that I can't share with anyone else. even so, I like having them to be there, something to bounce on. not bounce back from, just.. something nicer looking to sit on, I guess. I don't know. Last night, what a dream... it was so real. it's bringing up those old feelings, reminding me of why i feel the way I feel. it hurts, but it's... something else. it's dying alone at home, and coming back to life, still alone at home. no one knows it happened, but it did. and it was phenomonal, no matter how pointless it is.
what the fuck am I saying?
-sigh-
lifes a bitch, and then you die. i don't wanna die. fah-rig.
god, that dream. I want to dream it again and again, every night, just to enjoy it. it's a brand new memory. it's wierd, too. I only have that one kind of dream. I don't dreams about FAR in the future. I don't have "happy ending" dreams. I have "Fucked up yet romantic beginnings" dreams, or "sad endings" dreams. taunts and threats, nothing but taunts and threats. oh life. how you hate me. so it seems.
Joel never came down for the weekend. that, or he did, and just didn't call. wouldn't surprise me all that much. I'm seeing a big problem with this. I'm actually kind of mad at him. yeah, I understand that he's tired and shit, but maybe he shouldn't go out after work all the time and, just for once, give me a fucking call. at least return my call from last SUNDAY. frig. I don't know. I'm just mad. upset. upset, I am.
oh, i just want to dream again.
prematurely released by Norah at 11:07 PM
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