I wish I could paint right now. I wish I could stand in front of my easle, with Sao Paulo in front of me, with my music all around me, deafening me, absorbing me and carrying my brain off while I paint. I wish I could use my time better. I wish I could be creative without having to fight over where to do it, and the time, and the petty details that never have any form of Sense. I wish this wind outside, blowing through the window, whipping my old curtain around in twists would carry me off and somewhere else, through the air, into the car. I wish I could have some freedom here, in whats suppose to be my Home. But I'm nothing more than a resident, a child trapped in a playpen, unable to climb out. and even when I bounce off the walls, it doesn't seem to do anything. barely a shake, barely a notice. No one sees it.
All I want is to paint, is to be allowed to paint, to run around where I please, to be inspired when I need to be. all I have ever asked is to be let go, to be allowed to drive myself. But I can't. I'm being held back in so many ways, I've lost count, and tonight, I can't find myself anymore. Today, I made my last realization:
I have completely lost all sight of everything. I can't see where I'll be in a month, or even a week. I can't find myself in this future, even the present. I can't grab a hold of my thoughts. even if I had the right room with the right lighting and all the supplies I could ever ask for, I wouldn't be able to paint. Because I can't control my eyes. I can't control my hands. I feel like some other force is making me go forward now, like someone has drilled their way into my brain and taken the ropes from me. I've lost myself. I don't know where I am anymore.
and I'm not even allowed to comfort myself by getting away from my cages.