Look at me

Who am I supposed to be?

I have never been so indecisive in my entire life. I want to get out now, more than ever. but where? I want to go to school, but I don't want to do the work under that much stress. I want to do it on my own time, but I don't even have a time to call my own.

I want to move out. I would be happy to move out to a shitty apartment in stirling. but - I don't make QUITE enough money. and I would be cut off from a lot of things. like internet. and I'm too much of a computer addict to deal with that.

I want to tell him. But.. I don't? One day, I can see myself living the rest of my life the way I have thus far. miserable, but not out in the open to be shot at.
but then, I want things to change. I dont want to be miserable anymore. Both sides are pulling at me.

I dont know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what to do, what I'm supposed to do. I don't see my place. I used to think I could be a voice, to help with something, but I don't have a voice anymore!

I dont know what to do. do I really want to leave the safety and ease of my parents home, to jump into the world head first without a thought or care? do I really want to be that way?

fuck. theres a lot going through my head that i can't get out. I'm having these foolish dreams of something that will never happen. I look in the mirror everyday and see the ugliest person in the world. I hear myself talk and think I have the most annoying voice in the world.

Today, I just want to do something. but there's nothing to do. I don't want to paint. I don't want to paint anymore. I don't want to take pictures. I don't want to play guitar, or sing, or anything. I want to just... do something. walk around. something. I want this period of my life to end right now, so I can get on to the next part.

BAAAh.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have the most simple of lives, and yet I'm being pulled in so many directions at once, I'm about to fall into hundreds of shreds of... shit.

I should move out.

I would be stranded here, in Stirling, far from everyone and everything... but I would have a job. and place to myself. without the distraction of the computer, and tv... just me.

I suppose that would be a good thing. I could figure it all out, learn to live without help, without him, without a lot of things...

now, to find an apartment...