And the sun said "I will not shine today"

Everynight, My life goes under review,
with a new judge every time.
Someone I've never seen before
in the papers or on TV.

Everynight, a new verdict announced:
"Try harder tomorrow"
"disgraceful"
"Beautiful"

I never know what to think
about myself
and this hell hole i'm trapped in.
I never know if it's going to change
because the world will change,
or I will wake up.
or maybe I never will.

But every night,
when I think about my accomplishments,
I realize I haven't done anything
for a long time.

I've been alive for over 6500 days.
how many of those days have I regretted?
or slept away?
or pitied?
How many of those thousands of days left to live
would I trade
for a little more meaning?
for a little more direction?
how many would I sacrafice
for the easy way out?
for the world to sort me out?

I'm never happy with anything. I've taught myself to never be happy with myself. Some people would call it Low Self Esteem, other's would call it some sort of disease, or disorder. Me? I call it common sense. I call it protecting myself, pushing myself. and for a while, it worked. but the last six months, I haven't produced a thing. not a song, not a decent poem, not a painting... nothing. I have done nothing. I have wasted precious time, because I know I don't have much. I can't.
No one has ever been happy with me. I've always been a trouble maker, or a little too ugly, or fat. I never talked right. I never dressed right. I never acted normal. I never shut up and let them kill me, turn me over to their side. I left them all. I didn't leave that world behind thinking I was better than those fakes, those people with good looks, thin people with good grades and lots of friends. I didn't leave that behind because I thought I was better. I left it because I knew I would never be like that. I knew I would never live up to them, and their rediculous expectations. as rediculous as they were, children, still children... I still compared myself to them. Because, common sense tells me, that they're the one's who will Make it.
So somewhere in that mess, I taught myself to be like that, to never like myself or anything I ever do.
so you see, I'm not that great of a person. I don't bully, but I still join all those popular kids every night in bullying me. I'm just like them... somewhere in my head. Somewhere in this little head of mine, I'm a bully.
I'll never bully anyone more than I already do to myself. never. I am my worst enemy.

how fucked up.