Sense of Touch

I keep dreaming about you, about us sitting together, your arm around me. About us laying together, caressing me. About you wondering about me, worrying for me, caring for me.
But everytime I dream about touching you, feeling you, I keep flashing back to come feeling, something inside me thats been churning for as long as I can remember, something that says I should not touch, nor be touched. Something that leaves me feeling empty and shred apart inside whenever I imagine someone touching me, holding me. like they're not caressing me, but hurting me. Not just holding me, but holding me down. Like they're killing me.
And everytime I imagine touching you, I imagine the last touch. I imagine looking in the mirror and seeing that thing that's tearing me apart inside.
and I dont even recognize it.

And that is my biggest regret.