I'm not a festive person. I don't buy a lot for many people, mostly those who are dearest to me, who I see the most, you know, I'm pretty cheap.
I'm not a religious person, not on this holiday. It doesn't apply to me. To me, Jesus COULD have been a real guy, but no son of god. no god bullshit. I gave up on the ideal "god" uselessness years ago. I'm a proud buddhist... but I'm a bitter one, at that.

This year isn't one of those years to be ranked as "great!". I'm not going anywhere this holiday. the only reason I dont work Christmas day is because it's fallen on my day off anyway. But I can see myself being asked to work sunday. and what would I say? "*sigh*, yeah, sure..."
because I'm not going anywhere.
I see my dad and brother and niece tomorrow after work, thats our christmas together. a night at the brothers.
and, yes, while I get to see my brother and father, the two people I dont see enough of, and who I love so dearly, it just isn't enough to me. Christmas, for me, isn't a great holiday full of mirth and peace. peace my ass. tomorrow is going to be hectic in work, but I only work five hours instead of six. No peace.
and while there will be good times at my brothers, it's not enough for me. It's not enough.
I had hopes of going to mississauga this weekend, to see my grandmother and aunt, two other people I love dearly and NEVER see enough of... but they don't want us to bother them. and though that sounds cruel to say, it feels like that to me. I know they're great people, thats why I love them... it just hurts me a lot to know that i'll be lucky to see them before I move to toronto... in eight months.

I dont know. I've never been a big holiday person. when I told my mother I was going to stay home on sunday, she almost screamed at me.
"It's christmas, emily! You're not going to stay home ALONE on christmas!"
Why the fuck not? it's just like every other day of the week for me, only everyone else has decided to do all their buying on the same day, because it's an excuse to indulge.
see, they're going to a christmas party at my step-dads sister's house. the family that will be there is gords family, people I dont know, and though I'm sure they're great people, I dont want to know them.
I am a very private person. truth is, even if I didn't work tonight, I probably wouldn't have gone to the christmas dinner my friends had tonight. I'm not a social person. it's not meant to offend any of those people... I'm just... not capable of it.
Christmas. Mass of Christ. fuck. i dont like this holiday. why should people give things to people they like on certain holidays?
thats the sort of thing that should happen on the spur of the moment. there shouldn't be an excuse....

I dont know. I just don't like how busy the store will be tomorrow.

well, It's christmas, people... are you satisfied with yourselves? what do I want for christmas? I asked for one thing from my mother, one thing, and I made it clear that getting JUST this ONE item would make my christmas good....
I'm not getting it.
its childish, but it disappoints me. she asked me for something that she wanted, even needed... I baught it for her. its christmas, the season where you ask and receive. heh.
i'm spending sunday on my own, of my own free will, because I would be SO much happier here, alone, on the Family Unionesue holiday, than in a household of Gord relatives, people I dont know, don't care about....
I would rather surround myself with nothing, than falsehoods. It's cruel, but thats the truth baby, and I'm stickin to it.