oh, clarity; how you deceive me.

In one week I will be eighteen. one "year" closer to what ever is it I am reluctantly approaching.

As you can tell by my previous posts, I can be very random with my... feelings. or, at least the moments I decide to express them, which is rarely around people. Although, I am getting closer and closer to becoming overly free with my opinions at work, where lots of people come in. not a good place to blow-up. I haven't yet, thank goodness...

I'm not always like that, though. I feel I should clarify, should someone think I'm seriously fucked up. don't get me wrong, I am pretty fucked up. but people are fucked up in general, we all are in some way. we all have some sort of Social problem, or brain problem, or some sort of Problem. Some people just have a wider variation of problems meshed together to make it look like one GIANT problem. or some people only have a few problems, one after the other. they'll have one that leads to another that leads to another, and before they even realize they had a problem to begin with, they realize... well, the solution to this problem is the same solution to THAT problem...
get it?

Ok, lets get this straight:
Once in a while, even after a content day, I will, INCREDIBLY at random, decide to dwell on some things. sometimes It's brought on by a commercial with lots of beautiful women in it, sometimes it's just a switch in my brain going off in my subconscious. it really is random, at its peak.
So, I am not like my previous post all the time. it's an underlying thing, something that I forget about throughout the day, and sometimes never have to encounter at all through the hours. most of it I end up sleeping away. some of the time I'm distracted.
The fact is, I can be a very happy person in the right situation. I am not always pouting. really, I'm just lonely most of the time, and have nothing else to do but fantasize and think about how all these fantasies are folly, or distant, unrealistic... or even possible, but I'm just lazy.

anyway, should someone be worried, or just struck, or even insulted, relax: It's just me being me. I am temperamental. we all are to some degree. in the last few years, I've gotten to be a little moreso than usual.
never fear, I take care of myself. I beat myself up while I'm at it, but only for not taking care of myself better. I strive to achieve what is too far from sight. I am driven by something inside to always be better, because what I do now is not good enough.
some call that bad self esteem, I do too. but sometimes I think of it as a good thing. as a Human condition, I guess.

now, in other news....

I found Angus' new house tonight with Mike. Mike also baught me a new phone for my birthday. it's a white board with a speaker phone built in to it. its awesome! although the microphone isn't all that wonderful, but i'm sure I can mess with that a bit, heh.
Work was busy. Steady. not long after four we got a HUGE line-up, and Jeff was in the back, so I was dealing with this sudden spurt in customers on my own, who wanted bag tags, movies, lotto, gas, chips... ugh. it was stressful. i have never appreciated getting off work so much.

and other than THAT?.... thats it. yup.

18 on the 10th. I work. Can't drink or anything because I'm performing the next day. ugh. I'm a little freaked out about that (this can relate to what I said about). I'm not too sure I'll get everything down before them. Oh Holy Night should be okay, at least. I'll be Home for Christmas... another story. oi. I don't think I'm much of a performer anymore. I love to sing... but I hate performing. I'm a recording artist, not a performing artist.... err.... no, thats not right, but I can't think of what is.
I am in such a void right now, when it comes to my prospects and... stuff... I haven't the faintest clue about anything anymore. It's so depressing. but I get through the days by sleeping them away.

ahhh, sleep, another beautiful idea...