agh

I dont know why I let it get to me.
Because I'm hopeless, I guess.
I'm having a good night, I'm looking forward to things more than I have in the last couple of weeks, and then suddenly
"well, I hear he isn't doing too well. I think hes thinking about moving to Alberta..."
Well...
I hate saying this, but the biggest bonus of moving away was gettin closer to him again. or at least catching up with him.
and now... oh... well, that might be happening anymore.
But we don't actually KNOW.
So, I'm a big girl, and I will try to, you know, act like a big girl...
but its hard once in a while, to have all of your hopes for that part of life just thrown into the dark.
and I don't have hopes that high.
I'm ok with not BEING with him. I guess. I mean, I would rather, of course, but it won't happen.
But I... never wanted to lose him. to the other side of the country, no less...

*sigh*

I miss him like crazy. I want to see him. I want to be able to sit and have conversations with him, like we did for a while. I want that back.

what would I be doing without him? I would be afraid of doing anything with MY life, for once, and him coming back.
Of course.
He has a life, I don't, I see him more often. Its hard to, but I see him.
He goes to Alberta, has a life. gets along better than he is now.
I wait...
nothing...
Ok, I'm going to school, I'm starting my own fucking life now. because, I have been trying to live within his for too long, and I don't know who I am yet.
Ok.
Lets do that...
Oh look, he's coming back...

fuck...

No right answer.
There is no answer to life. I should know that.

But I've already sort of decided.
School. Photography. Its stupid, because anyone can be a photographer... but it's all I can think of. Write while I'm at it, hopefully....

but no men.
I'm sticking to that damnit.

fuck...........
I should do something about this... maybe this will be the time.... or not. too typical. Thats corny and ghey when girls do that. or even men. its annoying....
Maybe I'll hint at it after a while. Not that I WANT something... but that I care.
Because I do.. right?

ok....
time to distract.