choke

Three years, going on four, and it hurts more now than ever. why? who the fuck knows. because we're closer? because i know more things? because the time is coming for him to leave, maybe? because I'm bored out of my mind? who knows... but every day I think of him more and more, and it just hurts more and more. My heart takes a leap and lands with a painful crack, snap, whatever sound makes you sick to your stomach. I choke whenever I think of him. I see his face, I choke, I look away, hide from everyone what is bound to come out soon. This is going to kill me. Where could I possibly go with this? I can't go on with this. I'm going to die from it, I can feel it, everything inside of me collapsing from the pressure. A structure that's been losing all of its support beams, finally beginning to crumble to dust inside of my body.
How do I live like this for much longer? Is there a reason for this at my age? How does everyone go on with their life if they all feel like this at some point? How could they possibly stand three years, three years of constant pining for one person? How does that work?
I thought I was supposed to get over this a long time ago. I almost did, I thought...
I thought wrong, obviously.



for fuck's sake, don't classify me as another one of *those* girls. some of you didn't even know I felt that way. that should say something, shouldn't it?