common blog

a wall around your head. stops the pain. but could you feel anything else, besides nothing?

for... well... going onto four years, I have worked on a lovely wall around my own mind. with reason. It's got all sorts of nice little drawings and philosophies on it, and it's really started to look like quite the wall. nice wall. lets say it resembles the walls in my room, plus all those paintings i did, plus all the cds I've ever owned. that is my precious wall.

with this wall comes one thing: certainty of being cut off from emotion. emotions hurt. they feel great, they hurt. depression comes from emotional pain. I know depression. I know it well enough to say I know it. I know that with this wall, while i don't feel pain, comes the sacrafice of feeling utter joy as well.
sacraficing joy could be called bravery, but bravery comes from cowardness. I am a coward in creating such a wall around my mind and heart. I'm afraid, so I create a wall around myself, making sure i am never hurt again, but also that I am never loved... again...

this is my sacrafice.

but

someone decided to kick a piece out of my wall.

all over again, I have to learn how to kiss. how to hold hands. how to be romantic. how to let myself be taken and loved.

but i have a choice in this matter.

I can fix this hole in my wall and shut them out.
I can fix this hole in my wall and shut them in.
or
i can leave the wall alone.
right now there is a hole in it. and my new friend here is not breaking down anymore of the wall. he's kicking it, but not to make damage. he's making sure it's okay to tear is down first. he's waiting on me.
and
and
what will I do?
will i...
let him tear it down?
will I tear it down?
will I take this chance?
will I risk everything for this most wild of crazy soap operas? will I do this to myself?
i already made that choice. a while ago. i'm just now starting to realize that I can't see this person with a wall between us. it won't work. which means i need to tear this wall down.
and i'm starting to.
and every brick that comes down reminds me of something. every brick is a memory, a reminder as to why i built this wall.
i'm keeping the bricks. you never know.
and i'm seeing this person. i'm seeing this person who I have to lie about to my family, friends, and the entire fucking town.
i'm going to do this to myself.

here goes