I hate waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and knowing I could do better. I hate looking at myself and turning away before I can think anything more of it, because I know if I look a little longer, It'll keep getting worse.. and worse..
I can't help but pick myself apart. I have all day with nothing to do but pick myself apart. If I didn't live on a highway, in the country instead, where the chance of someone driving by or walking by is incredibly remote, I would be better off. I would be outside more often. I would be running. I would be happier. and no one seems to understand that. No one seems to GET that I am Terrified of going out. The thought of even the possibility of someone looking at me makes me sick. So why would I go out, if everytime I get ready to go out, I get a little more tense, breathing gets harder... and I'm supposed to RUN in these conditions? Some people can do that. I can't. I'm not one of those people.
But how can you expect a 120 lb woman to understand the fears of a 180 lb girl? you can't. No one in that position can understand. I don't care if my mother was the same size of me when she was my age... she fixed that with an eating disorder..
maybe I should do that. Maybe i should just stop eating altogether. I mean, if I can't burn it off, why not just avoid ingesting it altogether?
these are the thoughts that go through my head every fucking day of my life. Nothing fits me. Nothing looks good. I'm not good enough.
and everytime I have a dream like the one I had last night, it's a little stronger, these feelings of repulsion. it's not right to feel this way about yourself, but once you do, there isn't a lot to stop it. I want to do something. I want to feel strong when I go out. I don't want to hide in my jacket when I'm in public. i don't want to hide behind the counter at work. Its making me sick in every way imaginable.
No one who can actually help me wants to help me. No one cares.
why do I even bother asking anymore? Why do I bother complaining? Nothing comes of it. I ask, I BEG for SOMETHING to at least occupy myself with. and I'm ignored, because this doesn't matter. it's not important. It's affecting my ENTIRE LIFE, I think that matters!
GUH
i'm such a fucking girl.
bah. fuck off.
I can't help but pick myself apart. I have all day with nothing to do but pick myself apart. If I didn't live on a highway, in the country instead, where the chance of someone driving by or walking by is incredibly remote, I would be better off. I would be outside more often. I would be running. I would be happier. and no one seems to understand that. No one seems to GET that I am Terrified of going out. The thought of even the possibility of someone looking at me makes me sick. So why would I go out, if everytime I get ready to go out, I get a little more tense, breathing gets harder... and I'm supposed to RUN in these conditions? Some people can do that. I can't. I'm not one of those people.
But how can you expect a 120 lb woman to understand the fears of a 180 lb girl? you can't. No one in that position can understand. I don't care if my mother was the same size of me when she was my age... she fixed that with an eating disorder..
maybe I should do that. Maybe i should just stop eating altogether. I mean, if I can't burn it off, why not just avoid ingesting it altogether?
these are the thoughts that go through my head every fucking day of my life. Nothing fits me. Nothing looks good. I'm not good enough.
and everytime I have a dream like the one I had last night, it's a little stronger, these feelings of repulsion. it's not right to feel this way about yourself, but once you do, there isn't a lot to stop it. I want to do something. I want to feel strong when I go out. I don't want to hide in my jacket when I'm in public. i don't want to hide behind the counter at work. Its making me sick in every way imaginable.
No one who can actually help me wants to help me. No one cares.
why do I even bother asking anymore? Why do I bother complaining? Nothing comes of it. I ask, I BEG for SOMETHING to at least occupy myself with. and I'm ignored, because this doesn't matter. it's not important. It's affecting my ENTIRE LIFE, I think that matters!
GUH
i'm such a fucking girl.
bah. fuck off.
prematurely released by Norah at 1:00 PM
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