so I'm here in Oakville, and I'm living with two other girls, who have people over in Iraq. It's a different way of life, for sure. Things are strange.
It's interesting, the things I'm missing now. I've been celibate for a couple years now, and I'm living with two very sexual people. well, one isn't going to be now, since her boyfriend is overseas. and there's calista, who is seeing a guy now.
it's weird, being surrounded by it, and almost feeling the pressure to have someone of my own, just to belong a little more.
terrible thing to think, but it's a very subconscious thought too, so it's easy to control.
at the moment, at least.

Things are funny. not haha funny... well, haha too, but not just. I got to talking with my Aunt finally, she apologized for being so avoidant, which... well, I understand, because I'm becoming that way myself. I mean, it hurt a lot, to be left thinking that I didn't matter all that much to my own family.
But moving has high lighted a few facts in life.
For instance: People are actually interested in when I'm going back for a visit, which will be when I get a job and can afford it. hopefully soon.... ugh, god I need something.
It's hard.
I miss my mom. Just to have someone who knows me around. and while she annoys me, like all parents do at some point or other, I miss hearing her in the morning, the way her clothes smell.
I miss clean air, with no one around. I miss that, being able to walk a few minutes and be in the country.
I'm living in the middle of a concrete block with people under, above, and around me. I'm boxed in by the city. it's terrifying.
and I'm on my own.
Stress, relief. I go back and forth through these in the day.
It's stressful in itself.

and for some reason, I always end up being the first one to go to bed, the last one in the livingroom, like now, while they figure out how to send a video overseas.
I love them, they're hilarious, but there is a big part of their life right now that I'm completely apart from.
I guess that keeps me in the real, horrible world I belong in, along with everyone else.

I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss.... I like.... I miss, I miss, I miss....
I won't live in the city forever. I'm here to find myself. I find myself because it's forced on me sooner than it would be far away in nowhere. I'm surrounded by students, working for a future. I'm living with osap, with a girl whos parent pay the bills, with a girl who will end up with a huge debt from loans, and both will be able to live with it because they're students, and learning it.

I still don't know what to do yet, but it's only been a month. I haven't had any better ideas. mostly terrible moments of enlightenment on how the world turns. how dangerous it is to be uneducated, as opposed to just how shameful it makes you feel.

I don't know where to turn on my own. I just want to be with him, and everything will be alright.

and therein lies my greatest mistake