It's a strange experience, talking to someone you haven't seen in over a year.
I haven't seen him in about that long, and I still haven't seen him, but it's the first time I've communicated with him at all in that same time period.
and this is a guy who I thought would wean me from the other. Someone I put a lot of hope into, someone who was, certainly, on a par with another.
in a sense.
someone that is hard to forget. But I have gone days without thinking about him, weeks without thinking about him. months without dwelling on him.
needless to say, I do miss him. I used to see him everyday. and he really was someone who I cared about, and clearly didn't care all that much for me.
given the different extent we went to, it was clear that he didn't give a shit.

and talking to him now, isn't any different.
and it makes me hate myself, because that makes me a person I, and everyone else, would never want to be:
pointless.
It's clear that I didn't make a single mark on this persons life. which is painful, because I tried to mean something, I tried to send a message, to make a difference, and my attempts bounced off him like bullets off of superman. talking to him now, I have to initiate everything. he speaks in sentences no longer than he needs to make them. bitter.

terrible.

and I still miss him.

strange how that works.

at least the other humours my attempts and acknowledges my existance. at times.

terrible