The steed in the valley of love is pain

I've been trying. I really have.
and in many ways, I've come a ways along.
But at the end of the day, when I look over what I've acheived, and where I stand, they are still completely different things.
I am still standing in the same place. I'm just shifting my weight around.
I still love him.
I still can't imagine loving anyone else like him.
I can't be taken off of him. I just can't be detoured from this dead end.

It's terrible. He came before everyone else. I've loved him longer than I've known almost all of my friends. I just don't... know when and where it will end. when will this change? when will I feel better again?
Every person I have been with since him, was an attempt to forget him. To show myself that I can love and be loved by another person very easily.
and for a while, I would forget, or rather, temporarily lose sight of him.
but everytime, I fell back to him. not because it was easy, but simply because it was better. it was real.
I thought.
and so I ruined my relationships with those people, so I could end the lie I had placed in them. I had used them to get away from him, and it wasn't working. they weren't doing the job. so I ended it.
and I've ended that form of lying.
Instead of lying to myself through other people, I decided to lie only to myself. Fool myself into another world where he's only a small part, where he is just a guy I know from two cities over. Just another guy....
But even that is beginning to fail.

He's met a girl. and I knew he would. I even wrote an entry about it a while ago, about how he would find this amazing, beautiful girl and fall in love and so on... and he has. He's met a girl, and he's happy. and good for him.
and all I want to do is fly away, just jump off my balcony and soar over the lake towards the ocean and leave, fly so high and fast that the memory of him is blown out through my ears and I forget the sound of his voice. My eyes forget what he looks like. So high into the troposphere that my heart freezes and forgets what it's like to love, to pine, to die a slow and wrenching death.

I'm so tired. I'm breaking all over again, and the only thing to make the pain go away is the pain itself...

I hate feeling doomed like this.
I wish I could love someone who loves me back just as much, and I wish that love would be greater than this love...
but it doesn't...
I don't want to feel anymore. I just want to do what I've managed to do this past couple weeks: to just be a robot, to be preoccupied (if momentarily) by creative processes, by healthier obsessions...
but to whom do I share it with...
it's terrible. I'm finally feeling what people feel: the need to share their life with someone else. to be with someone who gets it, who understands, who appreciates everything the same way that you do. and here I thought I had found him, the one guy who gets it. And he does get it, but he doesn't want me. He gets me, but doesn't ask for it.
doesn't even know it, it seems.
but then, he gets a lot of people, doesn't he?

I wish I could cut this part out of me and continue on and have that hole filled with something healthier, happier, more fulfilling.

I'm so tired.
I miss him so much.