Today I saw it:
What life could be like without him.
and I've lived it already for a long time, most of my life, and I can see laughter beyond that point in the horizon, but what comes with the laughter...
Who knows.
I laughed today. I've become the joker here, the weird one, the spunky one. I'm turning into myself.
and even in wanting to me wholy myself, I still see him in me, deep in me, like roots from a willow tree. it doesn't matter what direction I go in, I'm going to see him.
but I can still walk, can't I?

the future is coming upon us, quickly. it's coming and going all the time, opportunities come and gone and come again.
I want to live a life without him. I'm sick of being in love. I'm sick of feeling stuck. I'm sick. I'm feeling very ill...
I am becoming. Socially, I am undergoing changes, as usual.
careerwise- I'm lost. There isn't nothing coming up for me, nothing introducing itself. no opportunities. Chances to make it, chances to be OK.....

don't know.

tired.
avoiding using certain letters.
don't like how I can't even enjoy the music I used to love. everytime I listen to this or that, I hear him singing along to it, I see him in the rear veiw mirror, I feel his presence beside me in a blaring concert hall, and everytime I know he's lost in that music.
music that he gave to me, and music that I gave back.
we shared that.

like it never mattered.
I wish I could love music without loving him.
sometimes I do....
but the music I truly love, sometimes its so hard to listen to now, I have to turn it off, turn him off.
or try to.
I took his pictures down.
but I still look at them.

loneliness sucks sometimes.
but I'm an Engel:
We're supposed to feel lonely all the time. otherwise we're imposters.
those who see go blind.
those who hear go deaf.
those who feel go numb.
those who love regret.
this is our motto.

my motto....

I wish I could fly away and live in my dreams. they're much kinder to me.