When I know what to do, I'll meet you above the grass

I am a fool.
but what else is new?

So, Oakville is here. I'm in it too. and I'm already starting to wonder where I'm going to go next, already planning on leaving.
and alas, I cannot think of a place to go.
which really sucks.
Well, I've had a couple of nights of idiocy and revelations. I just went 24 without sleep and food. some part of me liked it. probably because it forced me into a different light.
I met someone, a "friend" of a friend of mine. and they're happy together.
and it all hit me at once, that night while I tried to sleep in someone elses bed, that I really didn't have a place here afterall. I really don't belong in a friendship with him anymore. I'm no longer thought of.
I know that because we went through the effort of going out of our way (oakville to toronto late at night= not fun, especially when you're stranded there after midnight) to go to see him, because he invited us over.
he shows up late.
and leaves without telling us.
well, as long as hes enjoying himself, being enamoured with her. good for him.
I'm not going back.
I don't want to go back to that house. I don't want to see him for a while, not until I actually have a direction in my life.
I think for once, I'm more than willing to leave and disappear without telling him. not for a reaction, but to actually cut him off. to just... fuck it, you know? get rid of it, or try to.
I just need to get away.
it's terrible too, because I was feeling this way back in Stirling, but it's totally different now. now I'm struggling, more than ever, to find direction in my life. and I always had one pointing to him. and while it's still there, I'm not going to follow it anymore.
and now I have no direction. no idea where to go, nothing is pulling me anywhere, saying anything to me, speaking to me, meaning anything... there's nothing.
What kind of world is this when I can't find anything? no one will hire me. I'm trying to get a fucking job and no one will hire me.
I try to go out and see a friend, and he blows me off. he has before, but this was a little deeper. it hurt a bit more.
fuck. I thought Toronto would be better than this. sure there's culture, but there's no one to go with, to enjoy it with, to share it with the same way that I would see it. Toronto is just a city full of people who don't want anything to do with me.

this fucking sucks.
I want to go away. Just.... take me somewhere else without leaving bills and a cat behind...
why did I let myself get tied down to this? I knew I shouldn't have gone last night. I knew I should have been more careful with myself, but no. stupid girl. stupid stupid girl.
Things are going to be different from now on.
rough too....

i'm one of those people who gets thrown into the air and doesn't know what to do, who disappears from sight and knowledge, someone whos name you forget and don't bother to try and remember.
i am worthless at this moment.