stupid v-day
i HATE valentines day.... stupid....
i've been in a such a bad mood all day today. I woke up sick and stuffed up to hell, my nose completely taken over by snot, and just...stuff. i should have been happy, since there were many good aspects to todays events, but i am not. i am just miserable without an excuse. i suck. i am a horrible human being today.
BLA
monday i find out who I play in WSS. i was lucky not to get sick yesterday, since i had to sing quite a bit and my voice isn't really working today.
oh yeah! my "band" for the coffee house is called the Bananas. isn't that great? i love it. another good thing there, but im still miserable and acting depressed. SHOULDN'T, but I do.
why, though? even I don't know. which sucks ASS, but I still do. I had a great night last night at emmas, talking for SOOOOO long about things which we haven't gotten to talk about before, being religion, etc... it was fun! i loved it. and this morning, i just woke up and felt that horrible little thing inside me again.
again? well, there is history here...
the 'evil little thing' is something I honestly can't place. its so hard to describe, but I have felt this so often in the morning. Its related to anxiety, i know it is since I felt it a lot during Semi Formal in that horrid dress (which was rare in itself. what a painful and stupid night). its something that comes up through the pit of my stomach and drags my heart down into my lungs the best it can. its not painful, nothing physical, but purely mental and emotional. its so strange, and I don't understand what brings it on. i'm not nervous about anything, it just decides to show up and bug me for a few minutes. by bugging me, I mean making me feel horrible. its a feeling of being naked and exposed to everything and everyone around you, and thats the best possible description for it. a feeling of vulnerability.
today, i woke up with the evil little thing for a few minutes, and then it receded to where it belonged again, deep within where i don't notice it. it sort of reminds me of those nightmares, where im trapped in this spider web that is slowly unravelling and falling to oblivion around me. i had strange dreams as a child.
so maybe thats why I've been really wierd today? maybe?....no. there was no explanation for it, and the evil thing didn't leave aftershocks like that. nothing like that at all. so maybe some bad karma just got to me? hmmm, sounds like something meditation could fix, if only i could meditate. another bummer. friggers. well, that should be easier to try today, considering im not really all here.
what a horrible yet blissful day. ill say it was hollow, meaningless.
i better not be falling into another depression, damnit.
Word of the Day: (These are usually picked by random pages from a dictionary. so its freaky when, the day before valentines day, you open up to the L section...yipes) lovelorn
i've been in a such a bad mood all day today. I woke up sick and stuffed up to hell, my nose completely taken over by snot, and just...stuff. i should have been happy, since there were many good aspects to todays events, but i am not. i am just miserable without an excuse. i suck. i am a horrible human being today.
BLA
monday i find out who I play in WSS. i was lucky not to get sick yesterday, since i had to sing quite a bit and my voice isn't really working today.
oh yeah! my "band" for the coffee house is called the Bananas. isn't that great? i love it. another good thing there, but im still miserable and acting depressed. SHOULDN'T, but I do.
why, though? even I don't know. which sucks ASS, but I still do. I had a great night last night at emmas, talking for SOOOOO long about things which we haven't gotten to talk about before, being religion, etc... it was fun! i loved it. and this morning, i just woke up and felt that horrible little thing inside me again.
again? well, there is history here...
the 'evil little thing' is something I honestly can't place. its so hard to describe, but I have felt this so often in the morning. Its related to anxiety, i know it is since I felt it a lot during Semi Formal in that horrid dress (which was rare in itself. what a painful and stupid night). its something that comes up through the pit of my stomach and drags my heart down into my lungs the best it can. its not painful, nothing physical, but purely mental and emotional. its so strange, and I don't understand what brings it on. i'm not nervous about anything, it just decides to show up and bug me for a few minutes. by bugging me, I mean making me feel horrible. its a feeling of being naked and exposed to everything and everyone around you, and thats the best possible description for it. a feeling of vulnerability.
today, i woke up with the evil little thing for a few minutes, and then it receded to where it belonged again, deep within where i don't notice it. it sort of reminds me of those nightmares, where im trapped in this spider web that is slowly unravelling and falling to oblivion around me. i had strange dreams as a child.
so maybe thats why I've been really wierd today? maybe?....no. there was no explanation for it, and the evil thing didn't leave aftershocks like that. nothing like that at all. so maybe some bad karma just got to me? hmmm, sounds like something meditation could fix, if only i could meditate. another bummer. friggers. well, that should be easier to try today, considering im not really all here.
what a horrible yet blissful day. ill say it was hollow, meaningless.
i better not be falling into another depression, damnit.
Word of the Day: (These are usually picked by random pages from a dictionary. so its freaky when, the day before valentines day, you open up to the L section...yipes) lovelorn
prematurely released by Norah at 4:35 PM
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