so im back. that was fast
i was starting another blog, another rant, but then i had to get off the computer. thunder was becoming very threatening. so i sat upstairs with my dad and watched a bit of an older movie.
i lost interest very quickly, and soon mickey said it was alright to go back on.
so here i am. back online. blogging again.
be happy i did not post the other one. it was going to be, but then it wasn't.
bah bah black sheep.
i tried to listen to a cd on the computer, but wont work. stupid computer hates me. gark. everything hates me. everyone hates me.
paranoid. what can I say?
So dear friends
Your love has gone
Only tears to dwell upon
I dare not say
As the wind must blow
So a love is lost
A love is won
Go to sleep and dream again
Soon your hopes will rise
And then from all this gloom
Life can start anew
And there'll be no crying soon
oh, life is pitted against me, we're in a head to head battle for...something. chess game, right? whichever piece is supposed to be my head has been taken hostage. i cant think.
how do you think it feels to lose your two best friends because you couldnt get a grip of the things around you? how do you think it feels to be lost within yourself while theres a whirlpool of actions and emotions you just cant grasp for all its worth?
did you know thats all i am now? a whirlpool of uncontrollable urges and thoughts and emotions? did you know that i am a bitter person because I can't find myself in this world? did you know that this whirlpool im trapped in is speed up and getting deeper, and that I can't tell top from bottom, or whos friend or foe? did you know that i have a problem?
and you know what?
i cant figure anything out. i cant think. i cant focus. i cant write. i cant love. i cant feel. i cant control. i cant live. i cant have friends because I AM a fuck up. i cant sing. i cant play. i cant be me anymore. why? because i died the other night. which night, i cant remember. but i died. i died without knowing, and this is all some horrible halucination. I am a figment of everyones imagination, and you are all just things of my fantasies. i am a dead person, some empty ghost walking around, searching, longing, for something.
and i have lost the two people i love. because i could not control. because i took a seat in the passenger side to life and let someone else drive. and i was taken onto a new road, a new path, and was in a car crash.
fuck, im just typing now.
im a mess. and i am sorry. I am a jerk. i deserve no friends.
and what do I apologize for? where should I start? I'm sorry my name is Emily. I'm sorry I decided to do something.
im sorry i lost my fucking temper.
im sorry i have become an emotional wreck and cant figure out for the life of me where to start.
and what am I most sorry for?
not feeling bad.
i dont feel regret and the things ive done and said. because they were the truth. embarassment is all i feel, because i was exposed when i wrote that email, because i was who i feared i would be. and now I am that person.
sorry. sorry i turned out this way. sorry i couldn't stop this train. but what ever
im most sorry for not feeling sorry
you know what? if anyone ever has a knife, or better yet a gun or hacksaw, come and kill me. whenever. someone should just end this stupid life of mine. im sure you wouldn't care a whole lot, right? i mean, the world doesn't need yet another starving artist. whats the point in trying to express things when people are only too eager to forget about them? whats the point? really...
its kind of dumb.
rain is back
it was kind of creepy. there i was sitting and typing up this horrible, revealing blog, and thunder was cracking so loudly. it was like a horror film, and i was the murderer. i might as well be, i killed myself, didn't I? I mean, I'm certainly not emily anymore.
i think we all know that.
anyway, enough of this...crap.
no more blogging until my head is clear.
i was starting another blog, another rant, but then i had to get off the computer. thunder was becoming very threatening. so i sat upstairs with my dad and watched a bit of an older movie.
i lost interest very quickly, and soon mickey said it was alright to go back on.
so here i am. back online. blogging again.
be happy i did not post the other one. it was going to be, but then it wasn't.
bah bah black sheep.
i tried to listen to a cd on the computer, but wont work. stupid computer hates me. gark. everything hates me. everyone hates me.
paranoid. what can I say?
So dear friends
Your love has gone
Only tears to dwell upon
I dare not say
As the wind must blow
So a love is lost
A love is won
Go to sleep and dream again
Soon your hopes will rise
And then from all this gloom
Life can start anew
And there'll be no crying soon
oh, life is pitted against me, we're in a head to head battle for...something. chess game, right? whichever piece is supposed to be my head has been taken hostage. i cant think.
how do you think it feels to lose your two best friends because you couldnt get a grip of the things around you? how do you think it feels to be lost within yourself while theres a whirlpool of actions and emotions you just cant grasp for all its worth?
did you know thats all i am now? a whirlpool of uncontrollable urges and thoughts and emotions? did you know that i am a bitter person because I can't find myself in this world? did you know that this whirlpool im trapped in is speed up and getting deeper, and that I can't tell top from bottom, or whos friend or foe? did you know that i have a problem?
and you know what?
i cant figure anything out. i cant think. i cant focus. i cant write. i cant love. i cant feel. i cant control. i cant live. i cant have friends because I AM a fuck up. i cant sing. i cant play. i cant be me anymore. why? because i died the other night. which night, i cant remember. but i died. i died without knowing, and this is all some horrible halucination. I am a figment of everyones imagination, and you are all just things of my fantasies. i am a dead person, some empty ghost walking around, searching, longing, for something.
and i have lost the two people i love. because i could not control. because i took a seat in the passenger side to life and let someone else drive. and i was taken onto a new road, a new path, and was in a car crash.
fuck, im just typing now.
im a mess. and i am sorry. I am a jerk. i deserve no friends.
and what do I apologize for? where should I start? I'm sorry my name is Emily. I'm sorry I decided to do something.
im sorry i lost my fucking temper.
im sorry i have become an emotional wreck and cant figure out for the life of me where to start.
and what am I most sorry for?
not feeling bad.
i dont feel regret and the things ive done and said. because they were the truth. embarassment is all i feel, because i was exposed when i wrote that email, because i was who i feared i would be. and now I am that person.
sorry. sorry i turned out this way. sorry i couldn't stop this train. but what ever
im most sorry for not feeling sorry
you know what? if anyone ever has a knife, or better yet a gun or hacksaw, come and kill me. whenever. someone should just end this stupid life of mine. im sure you wouldn't care a whole lot, right? i mean, the world doesn't need yet another starving artist. whats the point in trying to express things when people are only too eager to forget about them? whats the point? really...
its kind of dumb.
rain is back
it was kind of creepy. there i was sitting and typing up this horrible, revealing blog, and thunder was cracking so loudly. it was like a horror film, and i was the murderer. i might as well be, i killed myself, didn't I? I mean, I'm certainly not emily anymore.
i think we all know that.
anyway, enough of this...crap.
no more blogging until my head is clear.
prematurely released by Norah at 9:40 PM
1 Comments:
I will always be near you. I will always hear you. I will always be around. Call, and I will hear the sound. I know that life can hurt, i cant think of anything that ryhmes with hurt...I can understand pretty much what you are going though, and if i find myself able to forgive you then you will be the first to know. I love how quickly you give up on life and friendship and love emily. I love how little we really mean to you. I will always wait for you. Because you still mean the world to me. but i guess i don't mean enough to you. This could become a full round of guilt tripping, and i dont want that. I don't often get angry. Usually i am not agry, just disappointed. This time i am not disappointed, I am actually angry, and it is taking a long time i go away. I think i am scared of seeing you on tuesday, afraid of hurting you. I can't tell you i dont like you, because thats not true. But i am not going to do anything to stop myself from growing to not liking you. That's your job. Thats how friendships work, together. So, I will always be here for when you really need me, when you are ready for me, i will always be waiting. until the day i die.
you know who this is don't you?
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