sometimes walls crumble, if only for a moment

so today...wow

i've never been more exhausted. I slept through my alarm, so no shower in the morning.
no coffee either. i really could have used it

today, in musical theatre, to occupy our empty week, we're doing a mask workshop. well, today we started off differently, and it certainly wasn't a good way to start off, if i may say so. well, ok... there wasn't anything really WRONG with it, but it was hard.

we were, in groups of five, given the same scenario. we were rushing to see our beloved before they disappeared forever on their big ship, across the ocean.
god.
well, we were to run down the pier, find the ship, look up and through all those other passengers for our beloved. when we found them, we were to never let go of them, but to, in a gesture or whatever, tell them our true feelings for them. then, watch as they disappear from our lives forever, and then turn and walk down the 'pier' without any regrets.

oh my god.

the situation was fake, completely, but the emotions were completely real. people were crying, everything was so genuine, real, painfully so.
well, you know how there are some people you just can't imagine having real emotions? admit it, you do... well, today I saw Jamie gosse cry...SOB, in fact.

and, of course, who do you think i thought of?
i didn't go up, of course, I couldn't. i didn't want to do that in front of people.

but yes... that was the start of my day.
the entire day, before and after, i was exhausted. i could have dropped in my place and slept where i landed. i was so fucking tired. i have so much to do in three days. i hate it. im tired. all i want is for this year to end.

and yet, i don't.

two weeks, and these people are gone. then all i'm left with is wondering what my bus route next year will be, since i'm apparently on a different bus from everyone else.
FUCK!
that was the last thing i needed to find out. just my bus, ok? just leave my bus alone. i like my bus the way it is. i liked my life the way it was. why couldn't it just stay the same? why did reality have to burst my bubble?

so, not only am i down a vast amount of friends for next year, but now i'm going to be secluded from them just about completely. frig. see, i like my bus. i like talking to those people. and now that i'm not going to see them, that takes away all the hope of those days to come. fuck.

fuck you, 'god'. tough love my ass, you're not real. not to me, bastard. you're nothing but a character of a silly, rediculous dream. nothing more.
not to me

(no offense anyone who believes in god. stand in my shoes for five minutes, you'll understand, believe me)

sometimes i really DO want someone to take anger out on. sometimes, i really do. i can't help it.

the whole wall concept comes into mind today, since friendship seems to be the topic...

we all have these walls up around us, against whatever weather rolls in, so they already have some battering against them. but you know what? we're fucking HUGE buildings. all of us. and every person we come to know and love builds a wing from our own building to theirs, and then rooms start being built in that wing, hallways that go from one building to the other.
so, when we lose that person, naturally that leaves a giant gaping hole in our walls. how long does it take to fill that hole?
sometimes its never done.

im losing my bricks.

i love metaphors.


well, if this was stupid, i already know. i dont give a shit what i type in here, and i'm starting to care less and less what people really think of it. i dont give a flying rats ass