have a day - spend a day

What am I going to do with myself?

My friends are going back to school soon, so they won't be around. No one will be around throughout the day. I can't even get to belleville to apply for a job at Sams. so I'm stuck in this town, literally Stranded because my mother doesn't want me driving because of the Gas price. good point, but it's not like it's going to get better. What am I going to do with myself? We've covered why I won't paint. I came up with an idea for a story, but to write I need to read, and the one book I want to read (even though I've already read it) Is too much for me, for some reason.
for some reason, I can't handle Stephen King's The Stand. again. I know it, yeah.. but to write, you need to know how, and to know how, you need to be reading. With me, I tend to have a wider variety of words to use when/after I've read a book. another auther fresh in my head, including all those words they used. It's easier. It helps. but I can't handle it.
I don't know. I feel like a mess right now. Everyone knows what they're doing, or is pulling off looking like it VERY well. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm stuck in the mud right now.
I just wish I wasn't alone in this house all day. and when school starts, thats it. No more people around. I'm stuck here, alone. if I wasn't alone, I wouldn't care. but I am. so why can't my mother understand this? Why is she so mad to come home to me watching TV... there's nothing else. if there were people, and I had a car all the time, I would never be here. I would be bugging them. I would just be driving around freely. I don't care about the gas price. there won't be gas in a few years anyway, so I might as well enjoy it, damnit!

friggen....

I hate today. Yesterday I was out for once, and I felt great. but today it really sunk in deep, that pretty soon, no one will be around. and no one will give a shit about poor little Emily. I haven't got a single soul when school starts. highschool. university. college. every kind of school. either way, I'm alone. and I hate being alone. It's driving me insane. If I don't change something soon, I'm going to die in this fucking house. alone.

lucky people. they get to know what they Want to do with their lives. they get to know where they're going to spend their time. thanks school. I don't like school. I never liked school. why would someone, after spending most of their school life being picked on? that turns you off to a lot of things... I just wish I had a plan. I wish I had something to look forward to, something solid, that wouldn't fall apart if I tried fiddling with other plans. I wish I couldn't fuck everything up! All of my plans this summer have failed. all that's left is the Concert. if that doesn't happen... what then. what then?
I keep losing hope that something will come along, too. I know thats not a good way to live, Waiting for things to happen... but I don't have much power to Make things happen. I'm one person, looked down on by almost everyone around me.

what a shitty day. I hate feeling like this. I wish I had someone right now.