I'll be watching something, a documentary for example, and all these ideas come to me. these ideas that drive me insane, that take over my thought, distract me from the movie until I realize I'm missing things, then I stop thinking. I Stop Thinking. to Pay Attention. must be what school has done to me. stops my individual thought so that I can pay attention to the world. I should stop doing that. I can always pause it, rewind it. those thoughts may never come back...

a problem arose the other day. In my regular fantasies, I recalled last weekends discussions (or most of them anyway, there was moments where I can recall is aric talking... but he's mute), and realized a flaw with my Fantasies.
If something happened now.... it would only be a step somewhere else. I would only help lead him elsewhere...
so I decided something. While I'm half and half on that whole thing... I'm not going to try. not now. I mean... god, we all know how I would love to LOVE... him...
but we both admitted to it. we were the two to say "No, I would let them go... so I could give them something better in the future"

but what if you weren't around when I was ready? what then. a life alone, of course.

that decision was already made. months ago. I am going to be alone the rest of my life, until I am the person I think you might actually deserve. you deserve better than me. we both think that way. But I think that way about you. not just "This Guy". that GUY has got a name, and it's yours.
so, here it is:
Someday... I'll get it done. I'll do whatever it is I'm supposed to do, I'll figure it out. and die.
and somewhere between figuring it out and dying, I'll come back and find you... and beg.

until then, let's get drunk.