In Limbo

to expand on last nights dreary rubble..

I've been caught between two things. One is this decision on a Theory decided last weekend, that even if we find The ONE, we move on in life without them. Not to "have fun", but to make ourselves more worthy of them.
I am for that.
and yet, I'm also caught between this No Day but Today theory, in that... what If I'm never satisfied with who I am? Does that ever really happen? there isn't really a destination that we call Perfection, or Happiness. We think there is.. but there isn't. It's all a dream, it's what keeps us going on the world. we're always saying "Well, things will get better" and look forward to moving on.
and fail to accept that we're in the moment NOW. Here, and NOW.
What if I die tomorrow? What if I never get the chance to be the person he wants? what if I can never give that to him, because I die? or something...

You never know...

so I've been caught between those two things. But... I suppose I'm going to compromise between the two.
I'm going to be more open about my feelings for him. Lets say, he askes how I feel about him, just in a roundabout way, or directly, maybe not even seriously... I will tell him the truth. I won't hold back.
But I will make no move, nor will I accept any. well.... ONE. ONE would be accepted, and then nothing more. but of course, that won't happen.

This will sound strange...

but I really am going to be celibate. for the rest of my life. until I think I can... do it. and that won't be for a long time. I can assure you.
and that is the official decision folks.
I will not date another boy.
or man, when the time comes.
I will not have sex with anyone.
I will live my life alone, to myself.

a scary thought to you, I know it is. But this is my devotion. This isn't a way of proving I love him, or a way to get his attention, or anything. but I really cannot handle a relationship, with anyone, thats intimate. Conversations, intimate conversation, I can handle fine. but being physical is impossible for me at this point in my life. and it will be for a long time, until I learn to deal with these feelings better. until I either let go of him... or die.

I'm not afraid of a life alone.
the only life I'm afraid of
is the one he doesn't exist in whatsoever.