Burning every bridge

Every time I see you, it's the same thing over and over. It's my own birth. death. and look, I'm re-encarnated in the same place over and over again.

what is it about this that won't let it die? what's keeping this going? those long, stoned stares at me on those rare occasions? what?

Well... whatever.

I'm slowly accepting the fact that I'm going to have to get a life sooner or later. I'm going to have to just.. let go. I don't have a choice in this. Sooner or later, I will have to let go of everything. Tonight, tomorrow, day after.. or the day I die.
I guess I would rather wait until I die before I let go of you. I guess. It's selfish... but I just can't stop it.

But I'm still going to keep moving. I'll keep tearing myself apart with tobacco and tattoos and piercings and alcohol and swear words. I'll be the worst person in the world, to prove I'm worth being nice to. I'll be the greatest jerk to ever walk to planet. Until I get back to you. then I'll just be a moron, like always.
I always say these smarter-than-normal things when You're not around. When you are, I feel stupid.
but the last few weeks.... have gotten better.
I just want to be friends with you while I still can. I want to be able to remember talking to you about things. your responses....

I want to know why I've been dreaming of you all this week, without any reason. Usually when I dream of you, it's because of something big happening.. but nothing happened. You weren't there. and then you came out of nowhere, into my head in my sleep. You invaded me, without a single reason or hint or logic. Why now? what supposed to happen?

I want to mean something, for as long as possible. within and beyond this life.. I want to mean something.
to you.
and to this place.
I want things to change. everywhere.

what will I write. what will I take pictures of. what will inspire me beyond you.

Is there life beyond these walls?