Don't surround yourself with yourself
who would have thought there was so much precision required to live?
if you dwell too much, it hurts more, and you miss out. if you don't think at all, you're careless and ignorant. if you do this, you get this. if you don't do this, you get this. there is no balance at all, no matter what you do.
if you try all the time to think about everything that happens and every motive behind it, you end up paranoid, and missing out on yourself. if you think about everything you yourself do, then you miss the bigger picture, and when you find the bigger picture, you have to start over. it seems that you have to get the right amount of everything to get it right. but what is it like when it's right?
if you don't think about anything at all, you're living, but you don't really KNOW anything either. you have the ideas, but they're sort of mashed into other things, so nothing is clear, but you also don't care a whole lot, since you're not thinking about it. but if you start thinking, you have a lot to get through.
you have to juggle, right? juggle everything at once, to keep things in motion, because you can't juggle only one ball at a time. obviously that leaves the rest of them sitting somewhere, getting dusty and losing potency.
it's hard juggling, you know what? I've never been good at it, so it's really hard to get it right. but again, when do you know you've got it right? i mean, maybe i had it right last week, or the week before. or maybe yesterday i had it right, and being right just happens to be a very depressing thing, as opposed to something happy and joyful.
Thursday night was the coffee house. I had brought up the idea of going to Angus's afterwards, but.. yeah. i didn't go. others did, and i've heard a bit so far of what happened, and it sounded fun.
the coffee house itself was pretty good. Crossarm Funktion was awesome! i loved it! good stuff there, fun times, you know, goodness.
friday was hell in a box. I spent the day home alone, as usual on such NI days. didn't do anything, really. dropped off my film and my cheque... thats it. i was miserable. i felt like i had a hang-over, even though i didn't do anything at all. my ears hurt a bit, couldn't hear much at work.
at the current moment, i'm brewing over the fact that i might have a hard time staying above 50 in world history. I have a 500 word essay due monday, research notes also due monday, more research notes due wednesday, and thats NOT including the bits i have to read from the text. on top, there is art, which i'm starting to dry-out in. i cant think of anything anymore.
see, i can't juggle worth shit, literally and metaphorically. i can't do that, not that fast at least, not everything at once. i need time to do these things, my own time, and there's no room for time at school.
And thats why i won't go to school after I graduate. not until life clears up a bit, at least.
growing up sucks. i forget my own age most of the time, and the few moments i remember it, i just think,
"16? no, i'm 18, going on 19, not 16... wait... i AM 16, going on 17... how does this work? I haven't got anything down yet, because i'm only 16, but i'm supposed to act like an 18 year old, right? I mean, i'm graduating, looking for a place to live, working, trying to live my life... and i'm 16. how does this work?"
I feel a lot older than i am. i don't feel 16. i dont even feel 17. i feel 18 or 19. i really do. stupid, isn't it? why should i? i haven't got that experience or anything like it, i haven't got that stuff, i'm just... turning out this way, for some reason. i'm getting ahead of myself, and behind in class. how does THAT work?
what the fuck is going on, honestly? sometimes I think i can handle it fine, and then an hour later, i realize i'm in WAY over my head with this stuff, or just plain overwhelmed, even with hours upon hours of spare time to do it. instead i go elsewhere. i day dream, i ponder, i just explore a non-existant world whilst the one i'm actually in starts running out of time and tries to drag me into the wrong things. sometimes I think i can handle him acting the way he does, and i really don't care, but sometimes I DO care... or doI? Sometimes i can handle gord, and mom, but thats just sometimes. not anymore. i really am like Patrick. I understand completely why he left now at 16. i understand perfectly why he did. and i guess gord was right on one thing: I am going to end up a "Failure like your brother". Happy, gord?
I think theres something in the Engel genes where the females end up living very strange and messed up love lives... ha! what love life? you might ask in my case. I haven't got one. thats the thing. i would explain fully, but.. what would I say? My aunt is in her late 30's, alone. my grand mother's husband is long dead, and so is the man she had another child with, the child being my aunt. and me? jesus, look at me. i'm just stupid. I don't have a heart left to give. it's been wrung about so much and teased to the extreme. what love could possibly be left in it? nothing. just disappointment and paranoia, maybe a bit of neurosis...
work... theres something i need to do. work tonight, work on World History tomorrow, work monday night, work tuesday night... and there it is. my life seems hectic, but it's not. i'm just falling behind while feeling older than I am.
i'm really confusing myself
if you dwell too much, it hurts more, and you miss out. if you don't think at all, you're careless and ignorant. if you do this, you get this. if you don't do this, you get this. there is no balance at all, no matter what you do.
if you try all the time to think about everything that happens and every motive behind it, you end up paranoid, and missing out on yourself. if you think about everything you yourself do, then you miss the bigger picture, and when you find the bigger picture, you have to start over. it seems that you have to get the right amount of everything to get it right. but what is it like when it's right?
if you don't think about anything at all, you're living, but you don't really KNOW anything either. you have the ideas, but they're sort of mashed into other things, so nothing is clear, but you also don't care a whole lot, since you're not thinking about it. but if you start thinking, you have a lot to get through.
you have to juggle, right? juggle everything at once, to keep things in motion, because you can't juggle only one ball at a time. obviously that leaves the rest of them sitting somewhere, getting dusty and losing potency.
it's hard juggling, you know what? I've never been good at it, so it's really hard to get it right. but again, when do you know you've got it right? i mean, maybe i had it right last week, or the week before. or maybe yesterday i had it right, and being right just happens to be a very depressing thing, as opposed to something happy and joyful.
Thursday night was the coffee house. I had brought up the idea of going to Angus's afterwards, but.. yeah. i didn't go. others did, and i've heard a bit so far of what happened, and it sounded fun.
the coffee house itself was pretty good. Crossarm Funktion was awesome! i loved it! good stuff there, fun times, you know, goodness.
friday was hell in a box. I spent the day home alone, as usual on such NI days. didn't do anything, really. dropped off my film and my cheque... thats it. i was miserable. i felt like i had a hang-over, even though i didn't do anything at all. my ears hurt a bit, couldn't hear much at work.
at the current moment, i'm brewing over the fact that i might have a hard time staying above 50 in world history. I have a 500 word essay due monday, research notes also due monday, more research notes due wednesday, and thats NOT including the bits i have to read from the text. on top, there is art, which i'm starting to dry-out in. i cant think of anything anymore.
see, i can't juggle worth shit, literally and metaphorically. i can't do that, not that fast at least, not everything at once. i need time to do these things, my own time, and there's no room for time at school.
And thats why i won't go to school after I graduate. not until life clears up a bit, at least.
growing up sucks. i forget my own age most of the time, and the few moments i remember it, i just think,
"16? no, i'm 18, going on 19, not 16... wait... i AM 16, going on 17... how does this work? I haven't got anything down yet, because i'm only 16, but i'm supposed to act like an 18 year old, right? I mean, i'm graduating, looking for a place to live, working, trying to live my life... and i'm 16. how does this work?"
I feel a lot older than i am. i don't feel 16. i dont even feel 17. i feel 18 or 19. i really do. stupid, isn't it? why should i? i haven't got that experience or anything like it, i haven't got that stuff, i'm just... turning out this way, for some reason. i'm getting ahead of myself, and behind in class. how does THAT work?
what the fuck is going on, honestly? sometimes I think i can handle it fine, and then an hour later, i realize i'm in WAY over my head with this stuff, or just plain overwhelmed, even with hours upon hours of spare time to do it. instead i go elsewhere. i day dream, i ponder, i just explore a non-existant world whilst the one i'm actually in starts running out of time and tries to drag me into the wrong things. sometimes I think i can handle him acting the way he does, and i really don't care, but sometimes I DO care... or doI? Sometimes i can handle gord, and mom, but thats just sometimes. not anymore. i really am like Patrick. I understand completely why he left now at 16. i understand perfectly why he did. and i guess gord was right on one thing: I am going to end up a "Failure like your brother". Happy, gord?
I think theres something in the Engel genes where the females end up living very strange and messed up love lives... ha! what love life? you might ask in my case. I haven't got one. thats the thing. i would explain fully, but.. what would I say? My aunt is in her late 30's, alone. my grand mother's husband is long dead, and so is the man she had another child with, the child being my aunt. and me? jesus, look at me. i'm just stupid. I don't have a heart left to give. it's been wrung about so much and teased to the extreme. what love could possibly be left in it? nothing. just disappointment and paranoia, maybe a bit of neurosis...
work... theres something i need to do. work tonight, work on World History tomorrow, work monday night, work tuesday night... and there it is. my life seems hectic, but it's not. i'm just falling behind while feeling older than I am.
i'm really confusing myself
prematurely released by Norah at 4:01 PM
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