One can do many things when they are bored.
they can become creative in finding something to occupy their time.
they can call a person, and have many laughs with that person.
they can call another person,
and be reminded of many things,
such as how much you really can miss by living a little too out of reach and not having a car.

so, if you can guess by that, you can tell what's happened tonight.

I made such an effort to remember to bring this stupid Saxophone home, but I forgot my music. I got home, and realized i had forgotten my keys this morning. Locked out. I had to break into my house through the basement window. I folded in half and dropped a little too far, hurting my back a bit.

I'm in.
I'm good.
I call Ian, leave a message.
He calls back a while later,
plans are made, Sushi-wise.
We hang up, I go to eat.
I go back online. I'm bored. People are dry-walling my house and ceiling...
I call a friend, because I'm bored. Maybe we can have a chatty...
well, we chat for a few minutes, whilst a chunk of my friends laugh in the background at stuff, having a fun night.
and i hang up, because you know, people are there, I won't keep my friend from the rest of my friends.

it's a lovely feeling, being forgotten that way. especially by those people.

well, I don't know. for some reason it hurts to think that I wasn't a top priority. but then again, they live in belleville, I don't. I live in Stirling.
I'm all alone here in my house...
I'm so pissed off.
I'm so sad.
I'm just so... I'm just SO, that I am unable to do things I need to do. I am just SO that I cannot study for this horrible music test tomorrow. I am just SO that I can't practice coffee house songs. I am Just SO that I can't help but feel my innards falling apart all over again. another piece of my heart falls under my heels. as soon as I stand up, I will crush that small piece into oblivion, and I'll never have to worry about trying to find it again. it will be gone forever. I will never feel that, ever again. Never.
not until the next chip falls off after another stab gets through to me.
when I'm not numb, I get frost-bitten.

I really hate my life. I hate myself. I hate how I can't do anything, because I have no will, no urge, no drive, for anything in the least bit. Nothing. I have nothing inside me anymore other than pain, greif, sadness.

turns out I'm leaving him. I'M LEAVING HIM. I'm going to Mississauga, and he's just going to stay back, play piano... I'm leaving him. the steps I take will be away from him while he stands in this one place... not looking...

I have nothing in me. nothing. nothing other than knowledge I wish I didn't have. Ignorance is bliss, and I seem to have lost that ignorance on life. it feels like everything I look at, I see this amazing beauty in it, something so utterly beautiful, that when it turns away, disappears, I know I'll never see it again, and it hurts. I know that that person will feel pain at some point in life, and that hurts. I wish they would never feel pain. I know that they will die. I wish they could live until they decided to move on to another life.
I wish I didn't have this melancholy, this strange insight into a world I wish I didn't have to see. I wish I could be a little more numb. why do I have to feel this pain for beauty? Isn't beauty supposed to be beautiful? happy? charming? witty? alive?
not dead, like I feel...

clarity, all over again, clarity on things I don't want to see. I don't want to know these things. I don't want to have these ideas. Not when they're not wanted by others, not when they inflict pain on myself and others. Not when they "Hinder" my progress in a class that is Supposed to get my ahead in life by making myself look a little better for universities... I don't want these things if all they will ever do is hinder me. They shouldn't hinder me, I think... but that seems to be how the world works nowadays. What I feel doesn't matter anymore in this place

this doesn't fit me