chronic plaque walking crooked post nasal drip
uh?
so, i made a decision today, and I hope i can stick with it.
I'm not going to school this up coming year.
instead, I'm going to do something that will terrify my and kill me so that i'm left with nothing to rebuild with. I'm going to move to Missisauga to live with my aunt and grandma, to sort out my life, to find it again.
i'm so scared.
why? i know, kind of stupid, but I'm just scared, in a way. I don't really want to go yet. i dont have to, yeah, little less than a year, but a year goes fast, it already is. last year went by quickly. this year will go quicker. This way I will have more time to just focus on things that I need to focus on, to get into something.
i'm just afraid of losing him, really. well, all of them, but him the most. why wouldn't i, right? he's the most amazing thing that ever got to me like that. the most amazing person in the world. i don't want to do anything that will snuff him out of my life forever, possibly. yet, thats the only way i can just focus. the only way i can get the time i need. the only way I can learn, to get into the groove, is to lose him.
it will kill me. I know it will. I will be detatched from everyone, since no one has a car or anything where i'm going. I'll be stuck with public transit (AHHHHH!). I'll have to find a job, full time, to make enough money for myself. I'll have to make new friends, accept losing the old ones...
i'm going to lose this life next year. this time next year, I will be in this new place, trying to live something else...
i dont want to grow up this fast. why does the world have to be so fast? I'm only 16, i shouldn't have to think about this stuff now.
it's not fair. i can only sort things out by tearing everything apart. it hurts so much just thinking about it.
i'm so sad.
well, honestly, this is what my day is like.
I roll out of bed about 6:30. go to the bus stop. get all sleepy and bla on the bus there, wake up and start thinking first period, and then I really wake up. I get "Average" in the middle of the day. fifth period on, i start getting down. by the time i get home, I feel like shit and too sad and energy-less to try to go outside. so about this time, 7:30, i feel so horrible.
everyday is like this.
add in headaches, aching wrists, chest pains on occassion, those other pains from those certain times of the year, and daily bullshit, and theres my day. why do I have to worry about a year from now when right now is where I am? frig! stupidness. lunch time(s) is the best time. I'm happy, just lazing with people i love. and then i have to go away for the day, and it's hard to think of sitting in this house without someone to talk to.
hey, theres always blogger!
but again...
i am so sad right now. why does my life have to live itself out like this? why can't i seem to get a grip on it anymore?
chronic plaque
walking crooked
post nasal drip
so, i made a decision today, and I hope i can stick with it.
I'm not going to school this up coming year.
instead, I'm going to do something that will terrify my and kill me so that i'm left with nothing to rebuild with. I'm going to move to Missisauga to live with my aunt and grandma, to sort out my life, to find it again.
i'm so scared.
why? i know, kind of stupid, but I'm just scared, in a way. I don't really want to go yet. i dont have to, yeah, little less than a year, but a year goes fast, it already is. last year went by quickly. this year will go quicker. This way I will have more time to just focus on things that I need to focus on, to get into something.
i'm just afraid of losing him, really. well, all of them, but him the most. why wouldn't i, right? he's the most amazing thing that ever got to me like that. the most amazing person in the world. i don't want to do anything that will snuff him out of my life forever, possibly. yet, thats the only way i can just focus. the only way i can get the time i need. the only way I can learn, to get into the groove, is to lose him.
it will kill me. I know it will. I will be detatched from everyone, since no one has a car or anything where i'm going. I'll be stuck with public transit (AHHHHH!). I'll have to find a job, full time, to make enough money for myself. I'll have to make new friends, accept losing the old ones...
i'm going to lose this life next year. this time next year, I will be in this new place, trying to live something else...
i dont want to grow up this fast. why does the world have to be so fast? I'm only 16, i shouldn't have to think about this stuff now.
it's not fair. i can only sort things out by tearing everything apart. it hurts so much just thinking about it.
i'm so sad.
well, honestly, this is what my day is like.
I roll out of bed about 6:30. go to the bus stop. get all sleepy and bla on the bus there, wake up and start thinking first period, and then I really wake up. I get "Average" in the middle of the day. fifth period on, i start getting down. by the time i get home, I feel like shit and too sad and energy-less to try to go outside. so about this time, 7:30, i feel so horrible.
everyday is like this.
add in headaches, aching wrists, chest pains on occassion, those other pains from those certain times of the year, and daily bullshit, and theres my day. why do I have to worry about a year from now when right now is where I am? frig! stupidness. lunch time(s) is the best time. I'm happy, just lazing with people i love. and then i have to go away for the day, and it's hard to think of sitting in this house without someone to talk to.
hey, theres always blogger!
but again...
i am so sad right now. why does my life have to live itself out like this? why can't i seem to get a grip on it anymore?
chronic plaque
walking crooked
post nasal drip
prematurely released by Norah at 7:27 PM
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