Minolta

"I'm not using it, and I can't take it to the grave with me"

so my father is letting go of things. of reality. and I don't mean he's going insane. I mean he's letting go of some of his prized possessions, ones he has no use for. and so, he has given me thousands of dollars worth of cameras and lenses and other things. because I'm interested in them.
what a guy.

I tried to sneak my way into Bon Echo, but it didn't work. meh. I ended up having a good night anyway. I went to my dads and hung out with Halesha and Patrick and Ava (Who can now hold up her own head and roll over). Zack has gotten to the point in his life where he's desperate for attention. and it doesn't help to have a new baby in the family, sort of enforcing this need for attention. everyone is bursting over Ava, and leaving this three year old going to desperate measures for attention. Last night, he tried to act like an adult, and failed miserably, of course. a three year old doesn't know what an adult is. He then proceeded to call his Grandfather by his first name. something I know my dad doesn't care about, but I do.
the kid asked me constantly if he could go to grandmas, and what not. and I said no. I don't know. at that moment it felt to me like he had been brainwashed. yeah, gord is a grandfather. but not nearly as much as my father is. yeah, Gord sees them a lot. but for some reason, he's the only one called grandpa. and my dad isn't. he's called Andy. nothing more. just Andy. and if felt like my dad was being gipped out of something he deserved. he deserves to be called grandpa by his grandchildren. but gord is taking that role away from him. at last, gord has beat my father at something.

frig

Zack. He's desperate. today, he hit his head off of a cushioned foot stool, and faked sobbing for ten minutes, until I took the rag from him that he was using to nurse his unbleeding, non-swollen wound, and I draped the whole thing over his face and told him to cool his head off. fuckin kid. that shut him up. but the way he sobbed over everything, and screamed his laughter over and over again to make his point, and whatever... poor kid. I never had a younger sibling. I never had the feeling of losing attention... well, thats not true. I did. from gord. Gord took my mother away, didn't he? then he got rid of my brother, and suddenly no one gave a shit about me. but I was a teenager by then, I had grown up. But nevertheless, I never went through what Zack is going through. my brother may have, but it was just the two of us, and he was five when I came around. He adored me. I adored him. we got along (with all of our arguments and "I HATE YOU" screams, we loved eachother, and learned to lean on one another growing up with Gord). Zack is the middle kid now. He had the attention. and now it's gone from him. and he's jealous. he'll never admit to it when he's older, but we'll all know that he was sad when Ava took things over.

Well, such is the mind of a child. but then you wonder, is it really? how do we change? do we get over the loss of attention? or do we just hide it really well? we all like attention in some form. Praise. Love. Gifts. whatever. we all like to be drooled over for some reason or another, even if we say otherwise. We all like to have someone admire us. so, in a way, that childish need for attention from everyone stays around. it just turns into something else. like a relationship. or a Career. Or just a dream. I don't know.
I believe it never goes away. I believe we're all children, looking for some attention for some reason. but those of us who are considered more "mature" than others just hide it better, and have a better idea of the repercussions of this "selfish" behaviour, since Selfishness is such a sin.

I could go on, but I'm losing the interest... last night, it just hurt to see that my dad had lost the title of grandfather from a kid who was closer to being his grandson than he was to be gords grandson. Afterall, Halesha is my brothers girlfriend, my fathers daughter in law. and yet, the Step-father-in-law is more... I dont know. my father doesn't have much to do with the previous paragraphs, really. maybe it does. think about it...



Joel and I broke up. bound to happen. I'm glad it did. It sucks, because now I'm alone, and I won't let myself get into another relationship. If I do, it will end like this, somewhat bitter and certainly not to be repairable. I'll be single from now on.
yeah, right?
yeah. right. I will. I mean it. I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I don't think I can handle it much more. I don't want to get attatched like that again, especially when It's all in vain. so I just won't. I'm done with boys for a while. no boys for a long time. few years, you know? I'm serious about it.

so, thats Emily's life.

Happy birthday