A person can't be great friends with someone they admire to the point of love. They can't get past the admiration to the flaws and the commonalities they have, and normality they have...
or, is it just too good to be true?

when a person is in deep admiration of someone, WHILE also loving them wholy, they might set it into their heads that nothing more than a simple friendship would ever occur between the two. why? defense. if they had hopes, they might be dashed, breaking their heart in the end. so, don't take the risk, and just admire from afar. Don't give personal information, thinking it will make them think highly of you or even FEEL for you... it might not happen.

unless you want to chance it. in that case, give 'er.

but how can you be that way, and somehow be personal with them? why does it seem wierd? why does it seem HARD to talk that way? or, when you do, why is it so hard to look them in the eye? how do you get to "buddy" land without questioning everything said in privacy? How do you get away from being careful about what you say and do around them, so they don't suspect? how do you get past admiring them to just loving them? because it seems that Admiration is a hard thing to get rid of, sometimes.

but do you know what can make you feel amazing from that person? do you know what can get your adrenaline really rushing? when the person you love and admire gives you a simple compliment, without you doing anything to encourage one. lets say, you're simply standing somewhere, zoned out, and it happens. nothing is said, nothing happens, just this beautiful compliment. and the world suddenly spins in a whole new direction. why? because for just a moment, they admire you too. and it's a great feeling knowing that it IS possible for SOMEONE to do that, and to remind you that your heart really can beat that fast, and that it really can be that hard to hide a smile, and still fail.





I'm tired. it's been a wierd week. it never felt like the day it was supposed to be. funny how those things are thrown off and how everyone seems to feel it at the same time. it's a phenomenon... just like Dristan Nasal Spray... how does it work?!

I've been sick. i got suck sunday night, Bravo Bayside is this upcoming week... i'm in it... singing... and i'm sick.
Did I mention I was sick?
well, it sucks. sinus-whining all day, dristan working for a few hours then quitting from hard labour. dristan is my slave. sadly, i'm the slave of something... frig. i hate being sick like this. one half of my nose stuffs up, the other half is runny... and i sniff.... in the middle of a guest speakers speaking... duh...
very embarassing. but what can I do? i'm helpless!
my birthday is in a week. 17. not excited much. party plans aren't working very well, might not happen, still don't know.
i'm not happy.
i'm never happy, am I? a while ago I thought I was on top of the world, then I found that i had been fooled into thinking that, and I was actually somewhere else, somewhere pretty shitty. still there, too. what brought it on?
what brings on depression... hmmm...
im bipolar. people think i'm a bitch. I dont MEAN to be, it just all comes out horribly wrong. who ever said I had control?
i feel like such a lost person, a loser left over from last year. I feel like Graeme and kirsten are TRYING to make me feel inferior to them. it pisses me off. i have nothing special with anyone that isn't made public and passed on. sometimes I just want something no one else can have. is it wrong to feel that way? is it wrong to have that two person secret?

maybe a thought brought all this on, followed by a realization. maybe the fear of losing something is what does it. losing what? it? all? everything? him? her? maybe it's all chemical imbalances. maybe it's hereditary. maybe it's society fucking me up. maybe its not me, but him, them. maybe i'm right. but im wrong. or am i? i am...?

i've found that i dont want to be anywhere. nowhere feels good anymore. nowhere. home doesn't. i'm afraid of seeing my parents there. i'm afraid of other people again, i'm feeling anti-social, yet i'm just as afraid to be alone. alone and cold. yet i want to be cold sometimes. feeling warmth for moments at a time throughout the day just remind me of what i don't have, and what is dangled infront of my face like a fucking toy. i dont like being the one out, without a place to go while everyone goes away. i dont like being left and expected to stay where i am. I dont like people hearing my age and thinking "Too young for this sort of life".

i dont like music class anymore. i dont like band anymore. i dont like school anymore. i don't like anyone anymore. i don't like this life anymore. but i cant get anything else. i cant go anywhere. i'm trapped in this place, or another even further from where i want to be... and wheres that?
wherever he is, of course. i would follow him anywhere and be happy. but that, my friend, is what i shall never have, and that is what i am always reminded of with another person as well as him, and that is why i am sad...

now am i right? are you proud yet? will any of you let me tag along?