I can just be... you know, THAT way

I hate waking up with this thing! why did it have to come back, and after such a night??!!

After work last night, Emma, Tom and Mike came over for the night. and it was crazy! it was fun, yeah, i had fun, i enjoyed it... but FUCK!

Why do I have to wake up with this? Why do I have to have this horrible disposition on even the most grand and pleasant occassions with these wonderful people? why the fuck do I have to wake up in the morning and feel this inside me?

I did enjoy the weekend. even when i acted a little twitchy, i was enjoying not being alone, somewhere, i know I was.. even in the morning, when i felt that stupid thing haunting me again, when i felt it creeping back into me, i smiled because i wanted to smile, I wanted you to think i was happy because you deserve that, and i WAS happy...

but theres this disposition i cant help... i can't help waking up with this thing... i can't. I don't even know what it is. remember that Thing? that Evil Thing? i've had it with me today. i woke up with it, i wanted to hide from everyone. I wasn't safe when my mother came home, so i left home. then I wasn't safe at my fathers, so i watched a movie and came back home. i had a shower.

I wish I would just fall into a coma. Sleep is the best thing for me. that's the place I can hide.

I don't want to be alone, but I do. I want to be invisible, but I want SOMEONE TO SEE ME! I want to leave everything, even them, him, this place, that place, everything, EVERYTHING behind.. but i don't want to leave.
it sucks.

I don't want to feel this way. Have I closed up? I don't want to be considered a cold person, but it seems like that's in the near future. even Josh thinks I'm getting to be in a "bad mood" all the time.

why can't I help myself?
"You can! just try! talk to someone! talk to a counsellor!"
i know what I want.
I want time to freeze at a certain moment, so I can live in it. I want to fall into a coma and just sleep and dream for a while, forget this stress. I want my canker to go away. i want to be older than 17 this friday. I want to be hugged, and for that moment to be frozen just as I fall into a coma and in my dreams, live out a seperate life from that moment on, where i don't have canker sores and stress from school and people.

oh, am I fucked up? Am I a depressed, over-dramatic Thespian, Anti-Social Teenager? emma, you are right, as always. we comform when we rebel. but now I'm tired from conforming. i'm tired of trying to be alone and on my own and trying to find a way to be on my own. I'm tired of having to act strong when i'm just crumbling to the base inside. I'm tired of trying to fix myself.
this is where the teenager realizes shes unhappy and decides to be rash all of a sudden, in her thoughts, of course, because she still has some "Control" in her life enough to say Not to kill herself. but she does like the look of that sharp thing. she likes the idea of eternal sleep. and thats where all those after-school specials come in all at once, and the best friend calls kids-help line and says somethings wrong... or no, scratch that, best friend tells parents and she's forced into getting counselling... and put on drugs... and so on and so forth.

rationality doesn't exist. the insane are infact genius. foolishness is ideality. absurdity makes sense again. what sounds horrible is in fact beautiful, an art of it's own.



If I hide this, it will go away, in due time...